Page 150 of When Ben Loved Tim
The house is mercifully silent inside. I make it upstairs to my bedroom door before I hear a voice behind me. My sister.
“What are you wearing?”
I turn around. “My prom dress,” I say without a hint of irony.
Karen’s face twists up as she looks me over. “Did you get mugged or something?”
“No. Tim and I broke up. Are you happy now?”
“Yes. That guy was an asshole. I could tell from day one.”
“You don’t know anything about him,” I retort, my voice wavering. “Not a goddamn thing.”
“Then why do you look like you rolled down a hill and ended up face down in the mud?”
My chin starts to quiver.
“Don’t,” Karen says. “I mean, if you’ve gotta get it out of your system, then fine. But once you have, don’t waste your time crying over him. I’ve dated my fair share of assholes. They aren’t worth it.”
I swallow against my rising tears. “Yeah, but I loved him.”
She rolls her eyes. “You’re too much like Dad sometimes.”
“Meaning?”
“That you’ve got a bleeding heart.”
“I don’t remember you ever complaining.”
Karen snorts. “Of course not. He lets me get away with murder. Remember the time I ate the rest of your Halloween candy, and when you told on me, Dad lectured you on how important it is to share? I knew I wouldn’t get in trouble. That’s why I did it. He’s a pushover. Just like you are.”
I glare at her. “Great pep talk. Thanks. Really fucking helpful!”
She seems delighted by my scowl. “Now we’re talking! Get angry! I don’t know what happened, and sure, I don’t know anything about Tim. But I do know my baby brother, and if this guy was dumb enough to hurt you, then it’s his loss. The stupid asshole.”
My chin quivers again, but only because I feel a surge of affection for her. When I think of Tim… “You’re right. He is an asshole!”
“Damn straight,” my sister says with a nod.
“Karen?” we hear my mother call from downstairs. “Who are you talking to? Is your brother home yet?”
I cringe.
Karen interprets my reaction correctly. “Yeah. He just went to bed.”
“Oh, okay. I’m going to bed too. Sweet dreams, baby girl.”
“Sweet dreams,” Karen parrots. We listen until the coast is clear.
“It actually was a decent pep talk,” I tell her. “Thanks.”
“Yeah, no problem. Now stop bothering me.”
She hugs me and we say goodnight. Then I shut myself in my bedroom and take off the tuxedo. I lost the clothes I was wearing before. I must have left them somewhere while running on autopilot. I strip down to my underwear and crawl into bed, braced for another bout of tears, and a few do slip free, but they no longer feel cathartic. I keep thinking of what Karen said, and how the evening played out.
Tim said that I was all he ever needed. What happened to us doing whatever it took to be together, even if that meant running away? He promised me the moon,literally, the stupid piece of shit. And just like it, Tim threw me out with the garbage. All because of the mere possibility of us getting caught.
My hand clenches into a fist. I get up, grab my backpack, and take out my notebook and a pen. Then I sit cross-legged on my bed. I need somewhere to put everything that I’m feeling. Not so that it can be hidden away. I won’t be like him. I want my pain to be immortalized on paper, so I’ll never make the same mistake again. And so I begin to write.
