Page 155 of When Ben Loved Jace
I nod and lift the box that has been sitting on my lap. All that remains of him is ash. Which is a little too relatable. As a trio, we silently work our way down the slope of the valley, heading toward the lake. Greg stays close to his wife, her belly swollen with new life. If there is any poetic symbolism there, I’m notfeeling it. Jace will never meet his future nephew. That seems terribly unjust. A cruel twist of fate. Although he seemed to take the possibility in stride.
Please don’t name the baby after me. I don’t want him to feel like he has any sort of legacy to live up to. Give him his own name, so he can forge his own destiny. Although, if you’re looking for ideas, I always thought Sylvester had a nice ring to it. Especially for a cat. Hey, I never claimed to be original!
I swallow against tears. I miss his stupid sense of humor.
“Do you think he knew?” Michelle asks when we reach the lake and pause there.
I consider her. “Because of the letters he left with Adrien?”
She shakes her head. “I mean on the day that he passed away. Did he know it was going to happen?”
When he asked me to get into bed with him. I’ve wondered, of course. It’s all too easy to imagine a universe where I recognized the telltale signs, called an ambulance, and saved my husband’s life. If he even wanted that, which I doubt. So yeah, Jace might have realized that another aneurysm had ruptured and held his tongue. He never would’ve put me in the position to choose between his wishes and my own. Jace was too good a man. The only thing I can be sure of, is that having one final opportunity to bask in the love we shared is how I would like to die. Especially now.
“I don’t know.” My voice is ragged. “But if it had to happen, I’m glad we were together.”
“Yeah, man,” Greg says, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me close. “Who the hell wants to croak in a hospital? Give me that kind of ending instead.” He reaches for his wife, and we end up in a sort of huddle, each of us racked by sobs. We need to cry after having to be strong in front of Jace’s parents and the kids.
“Okay,” Greg says with a heavy sigh. “Let’s do this. Follow me.”
I don’t think I could have found my way back to the clearing without him. Even when Greg stops and turns to face me, I can’t tell if it’s the right place until I spot the broken remains of a lean-to, of which there is little left. Time claims us all. Not just our bones, but the memories we made as well. For now, he won’t be forgotten. Neither of them will.
“Come on, Greg,” Michelle says, taking her husband by the arm. “This is a private moment.”
“Are you sure?” he asks, puppy-dog eyes remaining locked on me.
I nod, wanting to tell him that this is what I need, but the lump in my throat makes it impossible to speak. I’m glad she understands.
“We won’t be far,” she promises before leading her husband away.
I stand in the clearing while clutching a box of ashes to my chest, the branches swaying above my head, and hope to hear his voice in the breeze, see his ghost moving among the trees. Jace doesn’t manifest. There’s no need. He already haunts me.
“I don’t want to say goodbye to you,” I croak. “So I won’t. I’m still going to talk to you every day. When I eat alone, I’ll imagine you sitting at the table with me. The book you were reading will be waiting for you next to the couch. I’ll keep clinging to your pillow every night when I sleep. I won’t give you up, Jace. Nobody can make me. Ever.” I open the box. “But I will do what you asked and set you free.”
I walk backward through the clearing while tilting the box. The wind catches his ashes, sending them in a twisting spiral through the air before they become part of the place where he first learned to love.
When I lost Victor, I never thought I’d be happy again. That seemed impossible. Then I met you.
“I know what you want,” I say aloud, answering the letter he left behind. “I can’t make any promises. But I want you to know that even if there’s nothing left in my heart except for this pain, I don’t have any regrets. I only wish we could have had more time.” I fall to my knees, tears streaming down my cheek. “I love you, Jace. I always will.”
The wind ruffles my clothes as I remember the warmth of his touch, the kindness in his eyes, the comfort of his presence, and the way he filled my world with light, with laughter, with love.
Epilogue
“Merrrow?”
I stop mussing my hair long enough to glance at Samson, who is sitting on the bathroom counter with a quizzical expression.
“Your dad is going on a hot date!” I reply before smoothing down the pale green dress shirt I’m wearing. When the cat doesn’t seem impressed, I add, “Get this, it’s with a girl. And she’s already married.” Samson continues to stare. “All right, fine, it’s only Auntie Allison. She’s taking me out on a pity date. Are you happy now?”
Samson flattens his ears.
“Do you want a treat?”
“Meow!”
The cat hops off the counter and rushes out of the bathroom. I check my appearance once more, hesitating when glancing into the mirror, and think of the last day he appeared in it. I’ve come to treasure the memory. Jace is a source of happiness to me. I love him too much to let him become anything else. I still feel an ache, even though years have passed, but all the good things he embodied are right there alongside the pain.
I head for the bedroom instead of the kitchen, to the framed photo I keep on the nightstand. Jace is wearing his flight attendant uniform, looking as dashing as ever. I press my lips to the glass before wiping it clean. “I don’t remember you smudging this much when we first met,” I say with a chuckle. And a pang of yearning. “I miss you, baby.”
