Page 21 of When Ben Loved Jace
“Do you have any questions for me?” I ask after releasing him. I’m not eager to delve into my past right now, but it would only be fair.
“Just one,” Jace answers. “What I was talking about earlier—how you sometimes know you could love someone, if given the chance. Do you feel that way about me?”
“Yeah,” I say around a constricting throat. “I do.”
“Good. Because I want you to be my boyfriend. If that’s what you want too.”
“Of course!” I croak, my smiling eyes wet with tears, which he notices and wipes away. Then I throw myself into his arms again, happy beyond belief, because for the first time since my heart got tangled up back in high school, I finally feel like there’s a real chance of moving on.
— — —
The neighborhood is dark and quiet when I pull up to a house not far from the one where I grew up. This is something of an annual tradition. I’ve never told anyone about it. Not even Allison. I park across the street, like I always do, and lose myself in the past, so intently reimagining the events that took place here that I can almost see them play out again. My younger self hobbles down the sidewalk and up the driveway, burdened by a handsome guy with an injured ankle. I watch myself leave and return again that same day, and many times after. Sometimes in his sleek black sports car. Often on foot in the dead of night, so I can sneak inside and be with him. On one occasion, we step outside together, and he kisses me right there where the whole world can see. I had just met his parents. We were both convinced it was a turning point. And it was, for the worse, because they didn’t want their son to be friends with a gay guy. He wasn’t though. We were so much more to each other than that.
In my imagination, blooms form on the trees and unfurl, ushering in spring. The sun and moon chase each other across the sky. My previous self returns again and again, always as a secret, until suddenly it stops. I no longer trace a familiar path across his yard. The trees sway in a summer storm. The sky clears and fills with stars. And then, at long last, a skinny young man with a bob of brown hair approaches the house again, but his demeanor has changed. He seems more determined than hopeful. Sometimes, at this point in the strange ritual, I’m tempted to get out of my car while waving my arms, like a maddened time traveler from the future, here to warn my younger self away.
“Don’t give back the key! You can’t stop loving him. Believe me, I’ve tried. He’s worth the pain!”
I don’t feel that way now. Not this time. I watch myself enter the house and leave soon after. My heart breaks for him. And for what I gave up. But I know what happens next—how I walked down the sidewalk, wiped the tears from my eyes, and felt stronger instead of weaker. Whole instead of broken.
That’s how it’s been ever since. I don’t really regret my decision. I’m not always hounded by doubt. But I did love him. With the entirety of my being. I’m not sure if it’s possible to completely recover from something like that. Or if I really want to. All the guys who came after were merely salt in the wound.
With one exception. I think of Jace, the warmth that fills me coming from a different source. A newly discovered spring, gushing forth love in what I’d convinced myself was a desert. It would seem that I have more to give after all. As for the guy who got the rest…
I glance at the front door of his house just as it opens, revealing a silhouette with a strong build.
“Oh shit!” I hiss, leaning my seat all the way back so as not to be seen. Which is ironic, considering all the times he made me do the same thing. I’d hate for him to find me like this. Then again, I’m unlikely to be noticed. I didn't drive this car back then. So I very carefully raise my head and watch someone walk to the mailbox to check inside, and yes, the man has silver eyes… but he also has white hair. The holy father, not his son.
Once the front door shuts and I’m alone again, I laugh and return my seat upright. Then I place a palm against my heart, which is racing, either from the close call or those old feelings,but it doesn’t really matter. I have a new message for my younger self.
“You did the right thing.”
I start the engine, take one final look at the house where so many memories were made, and let it all go. The love I felt for him is still inside of me and always will be. But it’s no longer in the way. Just before I shift into drive, I speak the words I didn’t get to say to him on that fateful night.
“Goodbye, Tim.”
Chapter Five
I’m bursting with pride as I walk across the college campus. That has everything to do with the man at my side. Jace looks dapper in his flight attendant uniform. He finally flew into town again after two weeks of waiting and wanting. We’re at the mercy of his schedule, which explains why his appearances at my workplace were so erratic. I’m okay with that for now. If anything, it keeps things fresh. Although having a boyfriend I haven’t even slept with yet does feel odd. We’re still taking baby steps.
Or long strides, because Jace is so tall that I often have to scramble to keep up with him. I’ve learned to solve this issue by attaching myself to his arm. That way he realizes if I’m falling behind while I also get pulled along. The excuse to touch him is a nice bonus. We go to the commons for lunch, which is really just a cafeteria, but to call it that would remind everyone too much of high school. Soon we’re seated across from each other, and I’m wondering how I’ll get a single bite past my perma-smile.
“How long will you be in town?” I ask.
“I plan on staying overnight,” Jace says, placing a napkin over his lap. He’s so civilized!
“Do you have somewhere to stay?” I ask casually.
He meets my lustful gaze, but I see no assumptions there. “I have a friend who lives in the area.”
I perk up. “Do you mean me?”
He chuckles. “No. You’re my boyfriend.”
“I love how that sounds.”
“So do I,” he says, smiling subtly while salting his food.
I still can’t stop grinning. “I wouldn’t mind sleeping together again,” I say. “Like we did before.”
