Page 134 of Cowboy's Last Stand
It should have been me.
I’ve thought this every day since Mike died, and it’s become no less true over time.It should have been me because the mistake was mine, and it was monumental.It should have been me because I was closest to the danger, and I gave the order for Mike to get clear.It should have been me because it was my job to proceed safely, and I didn’t.It should have been me because he had a wife and child, and I had no one.It should have been me because I’d already behaved dishonorably.I’d begun to fall in love with a married woman based on a photograph and a handful of letters.
I wish I’d been able to save Mike that day so he could’ve come home to you.Please believe that I did not endanger him on purpose.Please believe that I never meant to hurt him, and I never meant to hurt you.
I came to Last Chance to tell you about Mike’s sacrifice, to honor his memory, and pay my respects.Instead, I did the opposite.I spoke of him only briefly, and I did my best to forget you were ever his.I kept the secret to protect you, at least in part.But I wanted to protect myself, as well.I felt responsible for Mike’s death and ashamed of my actions.This—the survivor’s guilt—is the wound that will not heal.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth from the beginning.I’m sorry I hurt you and Marcus.
I know you loved Mike, and he loved you.When he asked for my help with writing letters to you, I gave it.I wish I hadn’t because it adds another layer of deception I deeply regret.At the same time, you must consider that part of what you loved about Mike, the part he expressed in those letters, was me.Everything I’ve told you about myself is true.My feelings for you are genuine.
Natalie, you deserve to be loved.You deserve pure happiness after so much heartache.You deserve a better man than me, and it pains me to say that.But no other man will love you the way I do.When I say you are the most beautiful woman in the room, I mean it, but I also see beyond the surface.I see the strength and sorrow, the deep well of intelligence, the practical and poetic soul.I see the light within you.I see it in your eyes and in your actions.
I see your heart, and I love you.
It should have been me who died instead of Mike, but it wasn’t.I shouldn’t have written those letters or told you half truths, or started a relationship with you under false pretenses, but I did.I shouldn’t have become the love of your life, but I am.
I am.
Dear Marcus,
I’m writing to tell you goodbye.
I wish I could have said it in person, but I had to leave unexpectedly.Please don’t be upset with your mother, because the fault is all mine.I lied to her about something very important.I lied to her about your father.
I knew Mike.I worked with him in Afghanistan.It is in the Middle East, not Mexico.You probably already know that because you’re a smart kid.Your father was a true hero.He saved my life.He was killed because of me, and I’ve had a hard time admitting that.He wanted to come home to you.He died with a photo of you in his front pocket, close to his heart.
What you might not know is that you are a shining example of him.You are bright and talkative and curious, just like he was.You have his smile.He was bold and brave, with the tenacity of a tiger.I see his greatness in you.
I’m sorry I lied to your mother.I’m sorry to leave this way.If you ever want to talk to me or write to me, feel free.I left my phone number and address upstairs.If you need anything, please ask.Please be good, and listen to your mother.
I love you both very much.
Jason Reed
Natalie was plagued with regrets every day leading up to Thanksgiving.
The first thing she regretted was how she’d handled the fallout.She should have let Jason say goodbye to Marcus in person.Her son didn’t understand why Jason had left, and Natalie didn’t have the heart to explain that she’d asked Jason to go.
Marcus wouldn’t give up on the subject, so she’d finally told him that Jason had been called into duty.She wasn’t proud of the fact that she’d lied to her son about Jason after breaking up with Jason for lying.
The second thing she regretted was telling her Dad about Jason.She always called him on Thanksgiving.She knew he would grill her with questions in his firm and gentle way.She couldn’t lie to him about anything.
The thing she regretted most, however, was the actual split.She missed Jason so much it hurt.For all his faults, he was a good man, and she was hopelessly in love with him.Her feelings hadn’t faded since he’d been gone.If anything, they’d intensified.She kept second-guessing her actions and wishing for a different outcome.She kept rereading his letter and getting teary-eyed at the deep emotions he’d expressed.She tried to be at peace with her decision, but she wasn’t convinced she’d done the right thing.
She couldn’t sleep at night.She tossed and turned for hours, thinking of him.Every time she closed her eyes, she imagined his hands on her body, his mouth on her skin.He’d reawakened her to pleasure, and she wanted more of it.She wanted more ofhim.They’d barely scratched the surface of their desire for each other.
In the days since he’d left town, he hadn’t tried to contact her.He hadn’t called to plead his case or made an appearance on her doorstep with a bunch of flowers.The last bouquet he’d bought had wilted.
After careful consideration, Natalie had put in her notice at the Night Owl.She planned to rent out the upstairs apartment for additional income.She’d visited the space with the intention of making a list of furnishings and other necessities.Instead, she’d caught sight of the tangled sheets, left in a sensual disarray, on the mattress where he’d made love to her so expertly.She’d curled up on the loveseat, stared into the cold fireplace, and wept.
Thanksgiving Day dawned clear and bright.London had invited Natalie and Marcus over to her house for the meal.Last year, they’d gone to Gabe’s house for tamales.This year, his family wasn’t celebrating.Gabe was staying out of trouble, as far as she knew.He probably wanted to lay low until the news of Billy’s death blew over.The details had been widely speculated about in the community, but there were few mourners.Wade had opted for a small, private funeral.Natalie had called him to express her condolences and to ask about his plans for Thanksgiving.He was going to his mother’s house, but he claimed he’d rather spend the holiday drinking alone.
When it was time to get ready, Natalie searched her closet for an outfit.She found the dark blue dress she’d worn to the VFW on Veterans Day.Even though it reminded her of Jason, she put it on.After applying makeup, she pinned her hair in a loose bun at the nape of her neck.She checked her appearance in the mirror, adjusting the straps across her back.She shivered at the memory of Jason’s fingertips on her bare skin as they danced that night.
Marcus’s voice interrupted her thoughts.He sounded like he was having a conversation with someone.She emerged from her bedroom and entered his, curious.He had her cell phone pressed to his ear.
“You too,” he said.“I will.Bye.”
