Page 13 of Crocodile Tears
“Her choices save lives.Mine end them.”
She sets down her pen and gives me the kind of direct look that usually precedes uncomfortable insights.“You’ve spent fifteen years protecting people who couldn’t protect themselves.Your choices have saved significantly more lives than they’ve ended.When was the last time you acknowledged that?”
The question stuns me.Military service and private security work don’t encourage self-reflection about positive outcomes.You complete the mission, eliminate the threat, and move on to the next objective.Success is measured by what doesn’t happen, not by what does.
“I don’t think about it that way.”
“Maybe you should start.”She picks up her pen again.“Tell me about your concerns regarding tonight.”
The list I’ve been mentally compiling all morning spills out faster than I intend.“I don’t know how to talk about my work without sounding like a sociopath.I automatically assess threats in every environment.I’ve been trained to read people for deception and hostile intent, which makes casual conversation feel like interrogation.Oh, and I occasionally shed my skin at inappropriate moments.”
“Those are significant concerns.Let’s address them one at a time.”She flips to a fresh page.“First, your work.What aspects of it do you think would be most difficult for a potential partner to accept?”
“The violence.The moral ambiguity.The fact that I’ve killed people for money.”
“Have you killed innocent people for money?”
“No.”
She nods.“Have you ever taken a contract that involved harming civilians?”
“Never.”
I see a flash of an approving smile.“So, you’ve been paid to eliminate threats to innocent people.That’s not the same as killing for money.”
The distinction feels important in a way I can’t quite articulate.“She’s a scientist.She thinks in terms of precision and evidence.How do I explain that sometimes the evidence suggests the best solution involves controlled violence?”
“You explain it the same way she would explain a complex research finding—with context, evidence, and respect for your audience’s intelligence.”Dr.Martinez makes more notes.“You’re assuming she’ll judge your past based on oversimplified moral categories.What if she evaluates it based on outcomes and necessity?”
The possibility hadn’t occurred to me.Scientists are trained to analyze complex systems and draw conclusions based on data rather than emotion.Maybe Dr.Lawson would approach my background the same way she approaches her research—objectively, thoroughly, and without predetermined judgments.“What about the threat assessment issue?”
She arches a brow.“What specifically concerns you about that?”
“I automatically evaluate everyone I meet for potential danger.I notice things like concealed weapons, escape routes, and behavioral patterns that suggest hostile intent.Most people find that unsettling.”
Again, she nods.“Do you act on those assessments inappropriately?”
I think about the waiter incident and wince.“Sometimes.”
“What happened?”
“Last date ended when I disarmed a waiter who approached our table carrying a steak knife.My training kicked in before my brain caught up.”
Dr.Martinez doesn’t look surprised.“How did your date respond?”
“She called me paranoid and dangerous before leaving the restaurant.”
“Was the waiter actually threatening you?”
“No.He was bringing steak sauce and a knife.”
“So, your assessment was accurate—you correctly identified that he wasn’t a threat—but your response was disproportionate to the actual risk level.”
The clinical way she frames it makes the incident sound less like evidence of psychological instability and more like a calibration error.“I suppose that’s one way to look at it.”
“Calvin, hypervigilance is a survival trait that served you well in genuinely dangerous environments.The challenge is learning to modulate your responses based on current context rather than past experience.”She taps her pen thoughtfully.“What do you know about Dr.Lawson’s background that might help you calibrate appropriately?”
“She’s had her own dating challenges.Apparently, her last boyfriend suggested she ‘tone down her ambition’ if she wanted to find a mate.”
