Page 46 of Desiderium
My breath catches in my throat, choking on the dark thoughts streaming wildly through my mind.
Oh, holy shit... it’s fucking happening...
No. No. No. Calm the fuck down. He’s going to be ok. He’s just tired and hurt. Recuperating. Stop fucking overreacting.
I take a deep breath, steadying myself.Fuck this silence.“Remember that day in Afghanistan? When the MATV got hit?” I take his hand in mine and squeeze. “I was knocked out cold for a minute or whatever but you were right by my side when I woke up on the ground next to the road. Remember that shit?” I chuckle softly under my breath, my eyes getting misty. “Of all the things you could have said in that moment, you decided to say, ‘What’d you get yourself knocked on your ass for, Studly Do-right? It was just an IED. Pull yourself together man.’You laughed and then proceeded to ask if anything felt broken.” I huff at the memory. “I was so happy it was you that I didn’t even care that everything hurt like a bitch and you were acting like a dick. You were there. It wasyou.And I knew that out of anybody there, I was going to be ok, becauseyouwere there by my side.”
I sigh, shaking my head at the memory, trying to get a hold on my emotions because I can’t let them get to me.Not now. I take another deep breath in through my nose, composing myself, but it’s useless in the end; the words are choppy and stuttered, regardless. “Well guess what, fucker? I’m here now and I’m not going to let anything happen to you. You’re gonna be… just fine. Just …fucking fine if you’d just fucking WAKE THE FUCK UP, MAN!”
Nothing...
A lone tear takes a path down my cheek but I force myself to pull it together as much as I can. He doesn’t need me screaming at him—he’s been through enough. I move closer to his side, my hand resting in his hair as I whisper in his ear. “Come on, bro. Wake up. Please. Just… wake up. For me. For Jax. For fucking Aly, man.” My breath catches, tearing my heart right out of my chest. “Come on. Just… just give ussomething.”
Anything...
“Let us know you’re ok and you can sleep the day away after that. I don’t.Fucking.Care. You just... You gotta wake the fuck up, man... Come on, Cole… Please…Please.”
Another tear falls.
Fucking nothing...
Chapter Twenty-Three
Jax
“How much farther?”
“It’s just up here. We’re almost there, don’t worry. We’ll get the supplies and get back as fast as we can.”
I didn’t want to leave Cole and Hawk either, but we needed to, and I’d prefer to leave and get supplies when Cole is out rather than wait until he’s awake. Being productive, doing something,anything, will help get my mind off of what’s going on—what we have no control over. I know he’s going to be alright. I know this. And if I believe it enough it’ll manifest itself.
That’s what I always used to hear before the world fell apart at the seams: Manifest your life. Believe your wants and desires into reality. Forge your own fate. Dictate your destiny. Do any of that and the world is yours to mold. It’s all a load of malarkey, if you ask me, but I’ll try just about anything at this point.
He’s going to be alright.
He’s going to be alright.
“Fucking hell.” Just what we needed to run into. Stragglers. There are three of them in the road, blocking the way to the supply truck. And no, of course they wouldn’t move out of the way for us like good mindless zombies. Life decided to say‘Fuck your plans and your happy ending,’and served us a big steaming pile of shit, instead.
If we still had the big ass truck, I’d attempt to ram them—run ‘em all right the hell over and take care of the problem like roadkill—but I can’t even think to attempt the maneuver in this rust bucket. It’s older than dirt and, upon further inspection of how shaky and noisy everything is, I’m almost positive every one of the shocks, struts, and bearings are on their last legs. Just one wrong bump and I’m half positive a wheel will fall right the hell off and we can’t risk that. This is our only vehicle for the time being so we need to baby the shit out of it.
I sigh as I look to the left and right. Discarded vehicles—all worthless because they each have flat tires—line the shoulders and block our only other driving option. If it weren’t for them, we’d be able to make some extra room and drive past, but, unfortunately, we’re not that lucky and are also, sadly, out of time. The infected see our car moving towards them and collectively step towards us.
“Fuck,” Aly echoes my words. “What do you want to do?”
I shake my head, exhaling exhaustedly. “We don’t have a choice. We need to take them out.” I don’t like the thought of killing them nor do I enjoy doing so. I do it when I need to, or to put them out of their misery, but in the back of my mind, there’s always the thought that these wereregular, normal people at one point. They didn’tchooseto be this way, not like Earl and his fucktards. I’d kill those bastards every day without any remorse. But the infected? I just do what needs to be done.
“Stay in the car, I’ll get ‘em.” I say, unsheathing my Kabar. I could use my gun and make this quicker, but we need to save the ammo. I know there’s a risk, getting within biting distance, but the bang of the gun, even with a silencer, is just as risky, potentially drawing even more to our area. If we’re about to unload one vehicle and reload another, a sudden gathering of zombies is the last thing we need breathing down our necks. I just want to get out of here and finish what we came to do. That way we can get back to Cole and Hawk as fast as possible.
“Jax, there are three of them. I can at least take one. Don’t forget, I was on my ownwellbefore I met you. I’m not completely useless.”
I turn to her, shocked that she would think that of me. “I never said you were. I just want to—”
“Protect me… got it. And what if I wanted to protect you?” She crosses her arms, taken aback by my lack of flexibility on the matter. How does she not realize I’m doing this for her own good? Trying to protect her and keep her alive as long as I’m fucking alive to be able to.
“You already tried to and it almost got you killed…Again.Please, just stay in the car. If you haven’t noticed, Sadie isn’t here. If not for anything else, do it for the sake of my sanity.” I reach for her hands and, even though she’s pissed and reluctant to let me hold them, I do. “I can’t loseyou. I can’t. I love you too much.” She scoffs, pulling her hands out of mine.
“No! Please Jax, you don’t understand.” She lifts her hands and places them on either side of my face, looking at me so fiercely I can feel it right in my soul. “Iloveyou and I know how much my being in danger affects you. So don’t think I’m not taking that into consideration because I am. But how am I going to get better if you won’t let me try? How am I going to learn and make myself a better survivor and, at the same time, help you cope with your anxiety from it all, if you keep me bundled up in fucking cotton for the rest of my life?” she says sorrowfully but takes a second to calm herself down, reigning in her emotions, then speaks in a softer tone. “Let me do this Jax. Let me help. Fuck, let me take out some frustration over Cole too, for God sakes.Please,” she implores. Her pleas bring to light the fact that she’s hurting just as much as I am. Shit, of course she is. And, of course, she’d need an outlet just the same as the rest of us. Who am I to deny her that?
