Page 50 of Desiderium
It lands on Jax’s hand as he finishes taping down the new gauze wrappings on Cole’s back. The same hand lifts to my cheek, turning my face to look into his knowing gaze.
“Baby, breathe. You need to breathe. You’re shaking.”
Am I? I hadn’t noticed. What does it matter? Nothing matters excepthim.
Another tear falls.
And another.
I try to shake my head but am no longer able to do so. Unable to move. Unable to speak. Unable to breathe. Unable to do anything but silently plead for this all to be over. My focus is no longer available for anything other thanhim.Too fearful I might miss something vital, something crucial, to bringing him back to us. Sounds cease to exist outside of the soft breaths below me. Nothing captures my gaze apart from the steady rise and fall of his back as he lays just within reach of my trembling hand. Nothing else matters besides pouring all of my energy, my emotion—Fuck... If I could, my life source—into the man in front of me.
Take it... it’s yours...
Before I know it, I’m lifted and pulled into Jax’s loving embrace. He suffocates me with it, letting me know he’s dying with despair as well. His powerful muscles bunch and bend around me as his hands caress my back and grip my hair. Reluctant as I may be to come back to reality outside of my narrow vision, to let the sorrow fill me completely, the strength of Jax’s constricting arms wrenches a tsunami of overwhelming grief from me.
“It’s ok, baby. It’s ok. I’ve got you.... Let it out.... It’s ok.” He holds me through it all as I wail my pain, frustration and hopelessness into his chest. But even the broad expanseof muscles isn’t enough to drown out my cries as they reverberate around the room, living through my own Hell with me, the walls feeling my pain as profoundly as I do.
My muffled screams aren’t even subdued enough to keep Hawk away as he comes barreling into the living room. “Sweetheart?” he asks, falling to his knees behind me and covering my back with his chest. “How long as she been like this?” he whispers over my shoulder.
Jax moves one of his arms away from me and lifts his head from mine. “About an hour or so, but she’s coming around. Where have you been?” he whispers, the words so soft they’re almost fragile, but in the booming silence of the room, they echo.
“Patrolling around the property. I couldn’t stay in here and watch… If he—”
“He’s not. You have to know he’s not going to,” Jax says, his voice firm. Hawk doesn’t respond, just holds me along with Jax until my tears run dry. They stay with me and wait, quietly watching over Cole as a group once again.
Lips, tentatively, take their place on my shoulder, attempting to kiss my pain away. “Sweetheart, you should eat something. You didn’t eat this morning or this afternoon and it’s already closing in on midnight.”
I shake my head, angling my gaze around Jax’s bicep to look for Cole’s chest to rise and fall. It does. I sniff and bite my lower lip to try and stop my chest from spasming with residual grief.
“There’s nothing more we can do for him now, baby, but you need to take care of yourself as well. It’s what Cole would want, and you know this.”
I sniff again and pull away from his embrace, choosing to sit sideways on his lap while keeping my eyes on Cole as the truth behind Jax’s words ring true. He would want me to take care of myself and if there’s one thing I can do for Cole, it’s to listen, now more than ever. The crinkle of plastic draws my eyes down to Hawk’s hands by my side.
Taking a deep breath, I nod, lifting and turning my hand over, silently beckoning for whatever food he managed to procure. Hawk places the package in my hand and leans in, kissing my forehead with a quiet, “That’s our girl,”before stepping around me to sit on Cole’s other side, closer to his head. Sadie is on that side as well, her head propped on the back of one of Cole’s legs, silently watching over him with us. Even her occasional whines have quieted down over the past few hours. It’s almost like she knows something, but I refuse to acknowledge the possibilities of what meaning that could potentially translate to.
Hawk stretches his hand out but hesitates, hovering it over Cole’s forehead. I turn to see him staring at Jax and me, his mouth opening and closing as if he’s about to say something but is reluctant. I feel, rather than see, the quiet nod from Jax, and I, in turn, give a small sad smile, urging him on. He takes our cues and lays a shaking hand on his friend’s head, gliding his fingers through Cole’s hair and back again. Gently. So gently.
Lovingly.
“You gotta give us something, man...,” he whispers just above his ear. “You can’t leave us. Not now. Not like this. Fuck the infected and their fucking virus, you can beat that shit! Man the fuck up and kick its ass! That’s all...,” his soft words stutter, breaking and choking on emotion. He rakes his fingers through Cole’s hair again, jostling his head slightly, but provoking no response. “That’s all you gotta do.... Well... that and come back to us. Just wake up, bro. We’re all here waiting for you.She’swaiting for you.”
Tears begin to mist my eyes again at his absolute affection towards Cole as I look down in my lap and see the small prepackaged muffin Hawk gave me. Then, my gaze travels down on the floor next to me, to the water bottle he must have brought as well.
While Jax always makes sure we have food available to us and keeps us from making foolish decisions, Cole’s always been the one to make sure I remember to feed myself and to make sure I drink my water. Hawk, whether he realizes it or not, is already covering for him, possibly preparing himself to take his place if need be.
I can’t think about that right now, though. Instead, I look down at the offering in my hands as Jax cradles my head against his chest, stroking his fingernails against my scalp, attempting to sooth my shattered mind and mangled heart.
After a few moments, I grasp the plastic and tear at the wrapper. He would want me to do this.
Be strong...
For him.
I take a bite. It’s nothing much, but I can’t see myself eating much anyways.
Not until Cole wakes up.
Not until we know he’s safe.
