Page 73 of Letters of Faith
“Maybe you should wait for the rest of the story before you make proclamations like that,” I mumble.
Sitting back in her chair, clipboard in hand, she says, “So tell me.”
A sigh slips past my lips. I haven’t told anyone besides Grayson about the letters, and telling her feels like letting someone in on a secret only meant for him and me. But if I don’t tell her, I’ll be stuck in this in-between stage of grief and healing forever, and I don’t want to be there anymore.
“I’ve been receiving letters from my husband for about three months.”
Another shocked silence, then, “What–uh—okay? I have to say this is a new one. I haven’t ever had this before. I’m going to need you to help me understand.”
Nodding, I swallow hard before saying, “The letters have been coming in the mail. The first one was just—Nate’s way of gaining control after he found out he had cancer—I think, but then they kept coming. Those were different. Nate wrote them after he found out he was terminal. Each letter had a new task for me to complete. He wanted to help me heal—even though he wasn’t here.”
“Did you complete the tasks?” she asks, carefully considering me.
“I did, but not alone. I asked Grayson to help me. Do you remember me talking about him at my last session? He was my husband’s best friend—mine too, in a way.” She nods but doesn’t say anything, so I continue, “Anyway, at first, it was fine because the first task was simple, but then I got the second letter. Nate told me I had to go on a date. So, I asked Grayson to go with me because I realized that over the course of the year since Nate died, my feelings for Grayson had started to change. I thought the date was the best way to explore that—and it was, but I didn’t anticipate Grayson receiving his ownletter from Nate.”
“And what did his letter say?”
I shrug, not wanting to tell her the rest of the story.
“You don’t know, or you don’t want to tell me?” she asks, leaning forward and resting her arms on the armrest of her chair.
“A little of both—I guess. Nate’s sister is the one who told me about Grayson’s letter. She said Nate asked Grayson to date me—or maybe it was take care of me. It is Harper we are talking about, after all. She practically hates me. Anyway, I don’t know what it said because when I asked Grayson about it, he couldn’t find the letter. I left after that.”
She hums at this point and taps her finger against her lips.
I remain silent, waiting for her to drag the rest of the story out of me.
“There’s a lot I want to discuss here, but let’s start with what Nate’s sister said. Did you ask Grayson what the letter said?”
“No.” Heat blooms across my face.
“Why not?”
“Because he got it a year ago, and even after I told him I was receiving letters from Nate—letting him read them even—he never once mentioned that he had gotten his own. It felt like I couldn’t trust him to tell me the truth about what it said.”
“I think that’s valid,” she says, her eyes zeroing in on mine.
Her answer surprises me. “You do?” I ask.
She nods, keeping eye contact with me, and I try not to squirm under her gaze. “I do, but I also think that communication is important. Would it have made a difference whether Nate asked Grayson to date you or take care of you?”
I shake my head.
“Why not?”
“Before Harper told me about the letter, Grayson told me he’d been in love with me most of his life. I thought he was exaggerating that at first, but I think—I think that Nate knew about how Grayson felt. I don’tknow that, but it feels like something Nate would know, especially considering my other letters—and something he said before he died.”
Her brows dip. “What did he say?”
“The day we found out he was terminal, I had a panic attack. I didn’t want Nate to see, so I left his room and went for a walk. When I returned to his room, he was on the phone with Grayson. I remember they were talking about me, and Nate wanted to tell Grayson something. Then I came back into the room, and Nate got off the phone. I didn’t think about asking about it. I was too lost in my grief. Then, later that day, Nate was being bossy and making demands, and I asked him if he had any others. He’d said maybe. I told him they had to be easy if he had any more. He’d said that love is always easy. I think maybe he was talking about Grayson then. I think that was his plan the whole time.”
I’d forgotten about the conversation until last night as I was alone in our home. Then it’d come rushing back, along with the realization that I think Nate’s been leading me to Grayson this whole time.
“You say that like it makes you sad.”
I shrug. “Because it does. Nate and Grayson—they’ve both been doing the healing for me. I haven’t done any of it on my own. I just—I need to heal on my own before I can think about being with Grayson.”
“Are you thinking about being with Grayson?
