Page 126 of Redemption
Her hand finds my back, rubbing in comforting circles, but I jerk away, standing up. I can’t handle her touch right now. I failed her. I failed her in so many ways that I didn’t even realize.
Kota lifts his head, watching me walk to the window and pace, but he doesn’t move, staying beside MJ. She’s watching me, too. I can feel her eyes burning into my skin, but I can’t bring myself to look.
So many times after our day at the waterfall, she begged me to tell her brother about us. But I always put it off for later. I was scared of—I’m not even sure what I was scared of now—Langston’s disapproval, maybe.
“Hayes, don’t do this.” There are tears in her voice, and it rips my chest wide open, but how can I face her now?
If we had just told Langston, things would be different. He would be alive. It’smylies that killed him.
“I’m not doing anything.” I deny it—even though I know I’m lying—to her, myself, God.
That’s what I am—a liar.
Silas is wrong. There’s no redemption for me, even if I had started to feel like maybe there was.
Being with MJ these past couple of weeks and seeing the difference in Tanner, the guilt had started to become muted. But now it’s so thick I’m choking on it.
Soft footsteps pad against the floor until I can feel MJ standing behind me, but she doesn’t touch me.
“You know what, Hayes—I won’t do this with you again. I love you. I always have, but you push me away. You did after Langston died, and you are now.”
My lungs burn with how badly I want to say those words back to her.
I love her, but how can I tell her that when her brother would be alive if it weren’t for me?
“I’m not,” I croak.
She huffs, stomping her foot, but I still don’t look at her.
“Then look at me. Turn around and tell me that you aren’t going to push me away because you are taking all the blame now. We both messed up—not just you. There are so many things we should have done differently—so many reasons we shouldn’t be together, even before reading that journal entry—but I was willing to heal, Hayes, because I love you. So turn around and look at me. That’s all I’m asking. Just look at me.”
The raw pain in her voice feels like claws scrapping down my chest. I want to turn around. I want to heal with her, but my feet stay planted to the ground, unable to move.
Her sigh is like a slamming door on the life she was offering me.
“Call me when you are done playing the martyr because I can’t play it with you anymore, Hayes.”
She gathers her stuff, but I still don’t move.
I’m sinking in my self-loathing, letting the girl I love slip through my hands again.
It’s not until my front door slams closed behind her that it pulls me out of my fog.
What am I doing?
She’s leaving, and if she leaves this time, I won’t get her back.
Moving faster than I ever have before, I rush out the door, Kota on my heels.
MJ is halfway to her car by the time I make it out the door.
With long strides, I overtake her, wrapping her in my arms.
“Don’t go. Please don’t go,” I say, burying my head into her hair. Her cheeks are wet from the tears she held back inside thehouse. I lift my hand, wiping them away. “I love you, MJ, and I’m sorry. I just—I wasn’t ready for that. All this time, I thought he didn’t know—that he wouldn’t approve of me. And to find out he did—I didn’t handle it well.”
Tears still stream down her face.
“You’ve never chased me before,” she says, a shaky smile on her lips despite the tears.
