Page 154 of Redemption
He sighs, rubbing his hand over his face.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just under a lot of stress right now.”
“And you think I’m not?” I move away from him.
Instead of staying in the dorms this year, I’m renting an apartment. It’s made it easier to keep my relationship with Hayes a secret—what little relationship that’s left.
Things have been strained between us since Langston’s injury. Hayes is busy prepping for the NFL, and I’m here, trying to survive school and my brother. Hayes is moving forward, and I’m stuck where I’ve always been—in Langston’s shadow.
“Can we not fight? I came here to spend time with you. All we do anymore is fight.”
The words are bitter, and I can’t help but feel the same way.
I’m tired of fighting. If we aren’t fighting over Langston, we are fighting over football, or our futures, or literally everything else.
I’m exhausted.
“Then maybe we should call it quits. We’re clearly not working. What’s the point?” The words burn my throat. I don’t mean them, but I can’t take them back.
Things have changed between us, and I feel like I’m bleeding out with no one to stop it.
Hayes scoffs, standing up and running his hand through his hair. “Because I love you, MJ. That’s why.”
I don’t look at him. Tears sting the back of my eyes. “Then why haven’t we told Langston, or anyone else for that matter, that we are dating? If you love me, why are we still hiding?”
He takes a deep breath, trying to gain control of himself, but when he speaks, he sounds like he’s talking to a toddler, not his girlfriend. “We’ve been over this. We even agreed on this. Right now is not the right time for your brother. We’ll wait until he’s doing better.”
I can’t stand sitting still anymore, so I stand up and start to pace.
“I’m not a child, Hayes, so don’t speak to me like I’m one. What if Langston never gets better? What then? Will you continue to hide this relationship forever?” I stop in the middle of the floor and turn toward him, waiting for his answer.
Shaking his head, he steps toward me.
“That’s not going to happen. He’ll get better. He’s just struggling right now.”
“And what if he doesn’t, Hayes? I need you to answer that question because if you can’t….I’m–I’m not sure I can keep doing this with you.”
He’s standing in front of me now, and his hands come up, bracketing my face.
“Don’t say that, MJ. I wouldn’t be able to live without you.”
“Then why are you so ashamed of me?” The question is a broken whisper of the insecurities I’ve dealt with my entire life. I’m not just asking Hayes, but my mom and dad, too.
Why is everyone so ashamed of me?
I don’t know when I started to cry, but Hayes’s thumb swipes across my cheek, clearing the tears from my face. “Don’t cry, baby. Please don’t cry. I’m not ashamed of you. I could never be ashamed of you.”
“Then prove it, Hayes. Let’s tell Langston. I don’t want to hide it from him anymore. I think he will be happy for us.”
Hayes wipes away another of my tears, but he doesn’t meet my eyes. “I don’t know about that, but if you want to tell him, we will.”
“Tonight?” I ask, hope blooming for the first time in months.
He swallows, and the muscle in his jaw pops before he says, “If that’s what you want. But first, can I take you somewhere?”
I study his face. It’s the same face I’ve loved since I was four, but the innocence is missing. Instead, it’s lined with worries and troubles, and if he were to look at mine, I’m sure he would see the same.
But even though life hasn’t given us the easy path, I don’t love him any less. If anything, I love him more. It’s why I know I won’t walk away even if he chooses not to tell Langston tonight, as he said. I’ll continue to hide in the dark with him for as long as he wants until one day, he loves me enough to step out into the light with me.
