Page 164 of Redemption
But my feet led me here without even realizing the direction I was heading.
It’s like my heart knew something that my mind didn’t.
With one hand, I reach out, letting the cool metal of the door knob bite into my skin, and then I flinch, the creak of the hinges loud against the night air.
Turning my head from left to right, I check to see if anyone is around.
I’m not doing anything wrong by being here, but it feels like it.
I don’t belong here.
But my desperation led me here.
My footsteps are loud against the floor as I step in and pull the door shut behind me.
And then I count my steps to the front.
One step.
I don’t belong.
With each step I take, the words ring in my ears—in my heart.
Five steps.
I don’t belong.
I should turn back and run as far as I can because being here is uncomfortable.
It hurts.
My breath quickens, and if I didn’t know better, I would think I’m having a heart attack—but those are reserved for MJ.
No, this is panic.
Pure and simple panic.
Panic over losing Tanner.
Panic from being in a position I never wanted to be in again.
Panic from beinghere.
That panic takes over, stealing each one of my breaths.
I tell myself to breathe—to remember every time I’ve had to calm MJ’s panic—but it doesn’t work.
Taking one more step, I reach the front of the building.
And then I fall to my knees at the altar.
The floor is hard beneath my knees, but I don’t move. I pour my heart at his feet and pray he will take it.
“God, I’m at the end of my brokenness. I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes—losing people the same way. It hurts, Lord. I don’t know how to be good enough for the people in my life. I don’t know how to be good enough for you. But the weight is too heavy, so I’m laying it at your feet.”
My heart is heavy as I lay it down, but I don’t have the strength to hold it anymore. I don’t even have the strength to hold myself.
I fall forward until my face is on the floor. Tears drip from my nose to the ground, sinking into the altar.
