Page 76 of Redemption
“Just start talking to him. He’ll listen. And as far as Hayes—maybe you need a second kiss—just to be sure.”
With a wink, she stands, leaving me in the kitchen to think.
______________________
The journal in my hand feels heavy, the smooth leather pressing into my skin.
I still haven’t opened it.
It’s stupid, but I’m scared. I’ve been running for six years, and now I don’t know how to stop. But being scared hasn’t solved any of the things I ran from. If anything, it’s only let those wounds fester.
So maybe it’s time I try something different—something that isn’t the path I forced myself down.
My hands shake as I run my finger under the cover and flip it open to the first page of Langston’s journal, letting the heartbreak of his death crack me open all over again.
Any nurse worth their salt knows that sometimes it takes opening old wounds and scraping out the infection before they will heal.
Tears blur my eyes. Langston’s handwriting is sloppy as if he was rushing to write it, but I can still make it out, if only barely.
January 1,
Today was a bad day, but I’m trying…I survived. Most days, that’s all I’m doing—surviving. I’m determined to do better, though, if not for myself, then for my little sister. MJ is my hero. She’s smart and kind and, most of all, brave. She’s not afraid to be her own person, to save herself when others are trying to douse her spark. I wish I could be like her. She may be the little sister, but she’s so much more than I could ever be already.
That’s my goal for this year—be more like MJ in all the ways it counts.
My heart hurts so bad I’m afraid that it might fall out onto the floor at my feet. My brother thought I was brave, but I’m a coward. After Langston died, I ran—from myself…my family…Hayes. I ran from it all and never looked back until I was forced to. I’d hoped that I could come back and lay low while I figuredmy life out, but then I broke Hayes’s nose the first day back. There was no lying low after that.
And now that kiss—well, I guess that only adds to my cowardice because I ran from that too, didn’t I?
But I’m tired. Tired of running. Tired of denying what I feel. Tired of not being the girl my brother thought I was.
So, I snap the pages of the book together and tuck it beneath my arm, and with my spine straight and heart beating out of my chest, I march out the door toward the man who scares me the most.
Within ten minutes, I’m sitting in the parking lot of the police station, trying to gain my courage back. I could have been here sooner, but I took my time, trying to think of what I would say when I got here.
I still don’t know.
What do you say to the man you’ve loved your entire life when there is so much heartbreak between you—when all the things that have happened are too big to be forgiven?
My mom seems to think that talking to God—laying it at his feet—is the place to start, but what do you do when you can’t find the words to say—when words are too small for the sin?
What do you do when the person you were supposed to protect is the one you failed?
I’ve been asking God that question for six years, and all I’ve received is silence. So, I started taking silence as an answer.
But silence won’t help me here, so I shove open my door and vow to figure it out alone—just like I always have.
I count the steps it takes me to get from my car to the front door of the police station.
Ten.
Ten steps between my car and another life-altering decision because that’s what this is—me changing my life again. I feel too young to have experienced as many of those as I have. But herewe are once again—only this time, I’m not dreading it as much as I thought I would.
The door swings open as a couple walks out, and I nod my head at them when the man holds the door open for me.
Just like when I was here a couple of weeks ago, the air condition provides a blissful reprieve from the heat.
My heart beats a thundering rhythm in my ears as I take in the lobby, looking for Hayes. Then, when I catch him standing on the other side, I freeze. His head snaps up as if he can sense me standing there. When his eyes meet mine, there’s a fire in them that I’m afraid might consume me, but still, I don’t move.
