Page 55 of Tear Me Down
“I know that’s so shitty of me to say, and I hate myself for it, but it has been. She hasn’t been in the hands of her drugged-out parents or her rapist boyfriend, and she hasn’t had to wander the streets at night to try and find her way to my house because her dad beat the shit out of her again.” She starts to sob. “Now she’s back in a life and a cycle that I’m afraid to watch. I’m so scared that something is going to happen to her…or to me.” She swallows harshly and draws in another breath. “She protected me. Every time, and I couldn’t protect her from anything. This is all getting so out of hand, and so messy, that I don’t know in which direction to look. Now she’s killing people too? How am I supposed to help her through that?”
“I’m not going to let anything happen to either of you,” I reply confidently, because I know it to be true. I would sell my soul to the demons that haunt this house if it meant they could never harm Ashia again, and now that includes Serena. Any threat to them, and I would lay my life down without a second thought, especially after seeing how critical Serena’s existence is to the love of my life. “And you can help her by sticking by her side, Serena. Give her the benefit of the doubt and trust her like she’s always trusted you. You may not like me, but I wouldneverhurt her.”
She releases a scoff and looks down to the ground again—seemingly not believing a word I say.
“I have kept my mouth shut when it comes to you…”
“Barely,” I interject, and she narrows her eyes at me, throwing her feelings of disgust in my direction.
“Fuck you,” she seethes and moves to stand up, but I grip her shoulder and pull her back to sit down. If she can act like a child for the past two weeks? I can treat her like one for a few minutes.
Her hands clench and release in fists as she tries to calm herself down, but she’s losing the battle in her head.
“I have watched you murder a room full of men, I’ve watched my best friend use a man as a pin cushion, been in a high-speed car chase, and had to save her life for the second time. None of that would’ve happened if she didn’t meet you. How long before it happens again, or something happens to me?” she starts to cry again
“I’mnotgoing to let that happen.”
“How am I supposed to believe that? You still kill people, and you like it. You beat the shit out of one of your men because he looked in Ashia’s direction, andtheyused to beat her for no reason at all.” She gestures to the haunted house. “To me? Violence is violence. I was stupid enough not to do anything about Cooper, I was too young to do anything about her parents, but I’m not young anymore. I’m not gullible anymore.”
She harshly pokes the ground, wanting to make her point clear as she continues her rant.
“She loves you so much, and I see the way you look at her. How much you love her too, and I want to believe that it’s real so badly, but how can you be so violent and not turn it on her? How can you have such a horrible regard for life, but cherish hers so fully? I see the aftermath of violence day in and day out, and it doesn’t have limitations for anyone. So now that she’s finally finding herself again, how can I expect you to be the exception to her emergence?” Her sobs grow louder as she hugs her knees, practically curling into a ball on the front lawn. “I know that’s not fair, but I was so scared that year on her birthday… I ran to find help, but her father still sold her innocence for drugs…and I don’t think I’ve stopped being scared since…”
The way she talks about us actually pangs my chest, so black and white that she misses the colors between. I could try to defend our actions and try to make sense of them in a logical aspect, but nothing about this life makes sense. Nothing about the depravity of the world around us does, and perhaps that’s the worst part of it all. People like Serena need in-depth reasons for every action. Perhaps that’s the nurse in her, needing an explanation to treat the victim properly, but right now the wounds are mental and emotional—not just something she can stitch back up and wait for it to heal.
“It’s okay to be scared,” I try to reassure her without admitting my own fears.
“Is it? Because she’s handling it way better than I am. You two are over there, living this life that you chose, and I’m just the best friend getting dragged behind without a moment to think or decide. I want to be by her side, and help her through it, but what happens if I’m left in the chaos while you two ride into the sunset? What happens when I’m left with things that I can’t handle?”
“You’re the one who won’t answer her, Serena. You’re the one whose been out at bars and partying it up, acting like her absence doesn’t mean a damn thing.”
“Because she’s constantly choosingyou!” She hangs her head again and pinches the bridge of her nose, like her tears are actually starting to hurt. “Why would she still need me when she has you?” She sniffles and picks her head back up. “If we were ever in a situation where she had to choose between me and you, she’d choose you…and I don’t know how to handle that either. I don’t want to be left alone…”
There it is. While yes, being surrounded by murder and gunfire is hard for any normal person to handle,that’sthe underlying issue. She’s afraid that if she can’t accept the violence and chaos around us, that Ashia won’t want her around. Devil’s Hands may be a part of Ashia’s life now, but I know for a fact that my woman would find a way to balance time between our world and Serena’s if she truly couldn’t handle it. As unfortunate as it is for me, by choosing to marry Ashia, that means I’m basically marrying her best friend as well, and I just need to do my part to reassure Serena of that.
“What’s your favorite color?” I ask her calmly, and she looks up at me with bloodshot eyes and quivering lips.
“Orange,” she whispers out.
“What kind of orange?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you just like all oranges?” She shrugs her shoulders a little and looks back down at the grass. “My guess is that you like a soft, peachy orange. The one that comes out just before the sun sets, or that of a pretty flower. When I think of orange, I think of hazard lights, contamination labels, crime scene tape, fire, and other terrible things. However, your mind isn’t drawn to that, right?” She shakes her head and looks back up at me. “I suppose this life is like that. When I take a life, I don’t see that person. I see the things they’ve done, the lives they’ve either damaged or taken, the people they’ve destroyed in theirpath. You see the general color, not the shades. Ashia sees the shades because she’s had no choice her entire life but to look for them, and it’s okay not to see them. Hell, it’s probably better sometimes.”
I pause and make sure I look her in the eyes.
“Ashia loves all of your shades, Serena, and her world wouldn’t be complete without you in it. After these past two weeks, that’s been made abundantly clear. I suppose you have to decide for yourself if you can love all of hers in return. I do. Every color of her sadness, her anger, her excitement. She brings so much pigment to my life, that there’s not an ounce of grey area anymore. My world is so much brighter because of her, and she’ll never dull in my eyes.” Serena’s face softens at my words, and I think I’ve finally gotten through to her on some level. “In Ashia’s universe, you are her orange. Every level, every variation, and now you’re the same for mine, because you are a part of her.” She looks back down at the ground, but her tears seem to have finally subsided.
“I don’t know how to trust you…” she admits.
“You don’t have to yet,” I reply honestly, and she nods her head as if that somehow was what she needed to hear. “Has Ashia ever done anything to cause you to doubt her?” She shakes her head. “Then at least trusther, and me and you can go from there.” Serena nods and wipes her tears away before pulling out her phone.
“She’s called so many times…” she mumbles.
“Yeah, things have been rough for her,” I admit. “Zeke is her brother. We found that out when he asked for information on his biological family,” I spit out, hoping that the knowledge will fully bring Serena back to her. This probably isn’t the right time, and Ashia may be upset that I told her the information instead of letting her unveil it, but Serena needs another push. While guilting her into talking to Ashia may not be a good way to make it happen, I hope it gets the job done regardless. She snaps her head in my direction with wide eyes and in complete disbelief.
“What? Mark and Jenny had a son?” she almost yells, and I nod as she gestures to the house. “And it’s Zeke? Of all people?” I nod again.
