Page 38 of From Ice to Home
I take a deep breath, swallowing my tears. “Iprayedand Ibelievedthat you were walking the path God set out for you. But when I saw you in Vegas…I wanted to be with you more than anything. And for the first time in my life, I did exactly what I wanted. I didn’t think about how it might ruin your life.”
I drop my hand and take a step backward, my courage starting to fail me as I repeat the words that’s been running through my mind this whole week. I have no idea if this is what he needs to hear, or if it will make a difference. But it’s all out now, it can no longer weigh me down. The dog whines again, nudging my hand with its snout, offering a small comfort.
“Ruin my life?” He lets out a disbelieving laugh, his dark eyes narrowing as he suddenly closes the distance between us. The scent of grease and sweat mingled with something that is uniquely Lucas hits me, stealing the air from my lungs.
“Hannah, you didn’t ruin my life, you could never do that. But Iamangry. I’m angry because you keep making choices for both of us. You walked away from me this morning, you walked away a week ago—just like you walked away after high school—and now you’re standing here acting like you’re the only one who’s been carrying this.”
The air between us is electric, charged with years ofunresolved pain and a week of suffocating silence. I shake my head, my voice rising to match his.
“I thought I was doing the right thing, Lucas! Back then, and now. I thought leaving was what you needed!”
“What I needed was you, Sanders.” His voice is a low growl, filled with exasperation. His dark eyes soften for the briefest of moments before hardening again. “You don’t get to decide what’s best for me. Not then, not now.”
His words hit home. He’s completely right about everything. Even though I thought I was doing the right thing, I never considered having a conversation with him, to hear his side or his feelings on the matter. I took away his choice…even if that was never my intention.
“Fine,” I say, stepping back and struggling to hold back tears, the mistakes I’ve made burrowing into my heart and taking root. “You make the choice then. It’s up to you.”
His chest rises and falls with deep, steadying breaths as his eyes flashes with frustration.
“That’s not fair,” he says, his voice thick. “What choice are you leaving me with? Give us a chance and risk you running again, or give all of this up and spend the rest of my life wondering what could’ve been?”
I drop my gaze, landing on the Saint Bernard and its giant brown eyes looking at me like it too is expecting me to answer the impossible question Lucas is posing. My heart twists, my mind screaming at me to run and hide and go back to what I know…while my heart is telling me something completely different.
“I don’t have the answers, Luke. If I did…” I trail off, swallowing the lump in my throat and wiping at the tears threatening to fall. “I’m here. I know this is where I’m supposed to be, no matter how much it might scare me. I don’t believe in divorce, and I know you don’t either. But I could never handle ruining your life—it would break me. So, if me staying is doing that, tell me. Then I’ll go.”
He takes a moment to think, a moment that feels too long. The tension between us is thick and unbearable. He takes off his cap, runs his hand through his hair before hurling his cap toward the porch with a growl. The dog rushes after it, picks it up and settles in on the porch, gently nibbling on its new prize.
In a heartbeat Lucas steps forward, his hands reaching for me—gripping my arms with a desperation that sends a shiver through me. His breath comes heavy, his chest rising and falling rapidly. Lucas’s eyes lock on mine, and for a moment, I see everything he’s holding back.
“Sanders, you’re not the only one who messed up here. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I was in control and that I had discipline…that I was a man of integrity. Then I saw you in that restaurant.” His gaze desperately searches mine. “Now it feels like I’ve been lying to myself.”
My heart is pounding in my chest. He’s so close and yet it feels like we’re miles apart. Somehow we’ve managed to make a mess of things and it’s hanging between us, heavy and foreboding.
“I know,” I say, swallowing hard. “I never wanted that for you, Luke. I want you to be happy, to live your dream. I don’t want to ruin your career or the life you’ve built for yourself. And somehow I’ve done that by pulling you into chaos when we ran into each other.”
For a moment, Lucas just stares at me, his expression unreadable. Then he shakes his head, his voice barely above a whisper.
“Are you really standing there, telling me that you’re the one who pulled me into that chapel?” he asks, his eyes dip to my lips, and my breath catches, the fluttering in my stomach betraying the chaos in my heart.
I swallow hard, the memory of that night rushing back. I’ve recounted that night so many times over the past week, the memories vivid and unrelenting. No matter how many times I try to piece it together, I can’t find the moment it went off course. That night—every decision, every word, every look—felt so right, like everything was finally falling into place.
But now?
Now it feels like we’re standing on the wreckage of our impulsive decisions.
I hesitate for a moment, unable to meet his gaze. “I know I went willingly. I wanted to be there, Luke, I knew what I was walking toward when I walked down that aisle.” I bite my lip, looking back up at him. “And yet we’re both here, with everything between us tangled and messy.”
Lucas exhales sharply, dropping his hands from my arms, the warmth of his touch suddenly gone.
“I never wanted things to be like this,” he says, his voice softening.
His words leave me cold. The feeling of doubt just settling more. Fear that I somehow bound him to me when it’s something he never wanted.
He must be reading the hopelessness on my face, because his fingers gently nudge my chin upward, forcing me to see the vulnerability and pain in his dark gaze.
“What I mean, Sanders, is that I never thought I’d be standing here, trying to figure out how we got married…and that us together would cause so much uncertainty.”
“I know.” My heart sinks a little, filled with sadness for the both of us. “What should be something wonderful somehow became…” I falter, unsure of how to finish the thought. “Complicated. But I know we can figure this out Lucas. We need to figure this out, because we made a promise. I never thought I’d be facing the possibility of divorce, especially not from you. But when you told me that you’d get in touch with your lawyers…it’snot what I want. Yes, everything is unclear and awkward, but I just know divorce will be worse.”
