Page 84 of From Ice to Home
“But look on the bright side,” Avah says, handing me my own pint of Ben and Jerry’s.
I open the salted caramel and pecan, dig my spoon in, and take a bite.
“And that is?” I ask, licking the spoon.
She plops down beside me, opening her own pint of chocolate, then cracks open a can of ginger beer and pours half of it in. Stirring it together, she takes a bite with a satisfied sigh.
“He’s yours and not theirs?” she says simply, her eyes narrowing. “That’s a pretty bright bright side, if you ask me.”
A laugh escapes me before I can stop it. “I think that qualifies yes. Still…I wish everybody didn’t have an opinion on my personal life.” I take another bite, thinking back on the conversation I had with Lucas, and how he asked me why I wasn’t wearing my ring. I should’ve been able to give him a better answer. “Believe me, I have enough of my own.”
Avah sets her pint down, wipes her fingers on her tights, and gestures toward me. “Alright, give me your phone.”
“Why?” I ask, even as I hand it over.
“First things first,” she says, tapping away on the screen. “We’re turning off these notifications. You don’t need to bealerted every time someone runs their mouth about you or Lucas. Or even the Rangers for that matter.”
She has a point. I shouldn’t worry about any of it and I definitely shouldn’t go looking for the negativity that will definitely be out there.
“You’re right. You’re absolutely right.”
“I know,” she says with a smile, handing me back my phone and grabbing her ice-cream off the coffee table. “I have my moments.”
She looks at me, a cautious look on her face.
“So, tell me why you aren’t wearing a ring?” Avah asks, looking down at my left hand that’s still empty, despite the ring sitting in my bag upstairs. “I mean, it doesn’t seem like you don’t want to be married. You’re here, you’re supporting him, you made this place look like someone actually lives here,” she says, gesturing around her. “So what’s really going on?”
I shrug, taking another bite. “I don’t know. Maybe because it still doesn’t feel real sometimes. It happened so fast. Having the title of wife and actually being one are two very different things.”
The game is about to start and I hate the fact that I’m here and not there with him. I have no doubt in mind that Lucas is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. The doubt has to do with my own capabilities. And now, that doubt is seeping into everything else, into him, into our marriage. And that makes me feel like I’m failing him as a wife…again.
“I get it, marriage is a big deal.” She keeps her gaze on the screen where the puck just dropped and the Canucks won the face-off. “But as impulsive as this wedding might’ve been,” she says, looking at me with her head tilted, “I’ve never gotten the impression that you’re uncertain about Lucas. The way you two are together and how you talk about him…it’s like you’ve been together forever.”
I smile, but it doesn’t quite reach my eyes. Digging myspoon into my ice-cream, I take a deep breath before telling her the truth.
“Loving Lucas has always been the easy part,” I admit. “Believing that I won’t mess things up? Or that I’m not the person he needs in his life? That’s the part I’m having trouble with.”
The horn blaring draws my attention to the screen. They’re not even one minute in and the Canucks just scored their first goal. Lucas skates off the ice, taking a break after taking the first shift. He’s shaking his head, the rest of the team in shock after giving up a goal this early in the game. This is not the start they want.
But if I’ve learned anything about hockey, it’s that it’s not over, until it’s over.
“You won’t mess up,” Avah says, her voice soft as she keeps her eyes on the screen. “And even if you do, that doesn’t mean you’re not meant to be together.”
“I guess that’s true,” I mutter. My eyes are glued to the screen where Lucas is breathing hard, taking a sip of water while he’s watching the replay of the Canucks’ first goal.
Father, give me peace. For me and for Lucas. Help me trust what You’ve put in front of me, even when I don’t feel strong enough to carry it.
I take a deep breath, trying to settle the emotions just beneath the surface. Because hearing all these words out loud isn’t necessarily doing anything to silence the worry inside of me.
Avah leans in closer, gently nudging me with her shoulder and a curious smile on her face. “Wait, what does it even look like?” she asks. “Your ring? Is it exactly what you wanted?”
Thinking about my wedding band, I can’t help but smile. “It’s simple. Gold. No diamond.” I take a second to think about her question. “It’s not exactly as I imagined it would be, butthat’s only because of the way we got it. I don’t want to wear a giant rock on my finger.”
Avah shrugs, taking another bite of her ice-cream as we watch the Rangers doing a quick line change, putting Lucas back on the ice with EJ and Lindgren. Declan takes his position in front of Nikolai, obviously determined not to let a puck get past him. Avah’s eyes glint with admiration before she turns back to me.
“The ring is kind of a big deal,” she says. “Yes, it’s only jewellry when you look at the grand scheme of things, but still…it shows how much he knows you. Or that’s what I think, at least. I want my fiance to know exactly what kind of ring I want. Not because I told him, or because I helped pick it out, but because he knows methatwell.” She digs around in her pint of ice-cream, swirling the chocolate and ginger beer mix before licking the spoon. “Thinking back now, that should’ve been my first sign that Axel didn’t really want to marry me.”
My gaze moves back to Avah, watching carefully as hurt crosses her features before she schools them again.
