Page 65 of Scarred in Silence
I stare at the drawing of the sad-looking woman. She’s right. You can feel the sorrow radiating off the paper.
I stand up to go to the bathroom. I sharpened one of her pencils to pick at my scabs. I sit on the floor and slowly prick at the tiny scab, causing trace amounts of blood to ripple down my skin.
The nurse walks in, rushing to me, pinning me down.
“CODE Gray!” She calls out, and the other staff quickly rush to me.
She wasn’t supposed to come in for another three minutes. They do five to ten-minute rounds. This one was only two minutes.
They sedate me using Haldol, injecting it into my muscle.
I feel heavy, yet like I’m floating. I’ve never felt this tired before.
I close my heavy eyes, unable to stay awake.
I think I’m dying.
* * *
I wake up feeling groggy. I’m restrained in a hospital bed, unable to move. I didn’t know that medicine could make me feel so good. So numb. I need it. I must feel like that again. I felt like I do when I’m in the water. Weightless.
Minutes pass before I am greeted with a visit from my parents.
They enter the room, looking ashamed.
“What did you do?” My mother scolds me.
“Nothing.”
“Don’t you lie to me.”
“I picked open my scabs. It’s nothing.” I roll my eyes.
“You really are helpless, aren’t you?” She turns to storm out, but my father lingers.
“Listen, kid, I know you are your own person, and you’re going to do whatever the Hell you want. However, you are currently damaging our reputation. Do whatever you want, but stay low. I can’t have our family’s reputation jeopardized by a suicidal junkie.”
He pats my foot and then turns to leave.
A tear rolls down my cheek.
They hate me. They wish I weren’t even associated with them.
Fuck them. Someone will love me for who I am.
Someone. Someday.
* * *
It’s been three weeks, and I’m finally getting released. Only to go back to my old ways. I’ll never change. Not for anybody.
26
Astra
My jaw radiates pain. I know he said it would be sore for a while, but it feels unbearable. I’ve always craved pain, but not this kind of pain. This hurts like a bitch.
I lay in Lucien’s bed, wrapped in my feather down blanket. He got it from my house, along with all of my other belongings. He completely moved me in. When? I don’t have a fucking clue, but I am grateful.
