Page 76 of Laird of Smoke
That was the reason God had let the bairn die.
Last night, in one moment of weakness, Eve had fallen from grace.A nun.She’d let herself be tempted by carnal pleasures.Reveled in the garden of the Devil.Like the woman for whom she’d been named, Eve had tasted the forbidden fruit.
It had felt miraculous at the time.A perfect union of souls.A transcendence of body and spirit that felt like something holy.She’d been so convinced it was God’s will.
But now she knew better.And His retribution had been swift and brutal.
It had been made much worse by the knowledge that His wrath had hurt not only Eve.It had devastated a woman who didn’t deserve such pain.And killed a guileless bairn who hadn’t lived long enough to even understand sin.
She had no words for the remorse she felt.And so she continued to ride, weeping quietly, endlessly, not daring to speak, until hours later they crossed the wooden bridge over the River Forth at Strivelin.
Adam was the first to break the silence.Departing the bridge, he rode up even with her.
“’Twasn’t your fault, ye know,” he murmured.“Ye mustn’t blame yourself.Infants are…fragile.”
Eve knew what he was trying to do.But in this circumstance, he was wrong.Shewasto blame.
She couldn’t tell him why.She didn’t want him to thinkhewas responsible in any way for her lapse of morality.
After all, he didn’t know she was a nun.And a virgin.None of it was his fault.Making love had beenheridea.She’d asked him to couple with her.Practically begged him.
She couldn’t say any of that.
So instead she said, “I know.”
“I doubt even a master surgeon could have saved the lad.”
She sighed.Perhaps not.
But her prayers could have.If God had deigned to listen.
Of course, He had not.Why would He listen to the supplications of a fallen nun?
“Perhaps the child was too good for this world,” Adam said by way of comfort.
She nodded.It was kind of him to say so.
“At least he is with God now,” he added.“’Twas thoughtful o’ ye to baptize him.”
She stiffened.She’d halfway hoped he hadn’t noticed.She’d done it out of habit.It sometimes fell to a nun to bless an infant.And a midwife might baptize a newborn they feared was going to die.But it must seem strange to him for an Irish noblewoman to go to the trouble.
She shrugged.“’Twas the least I could do.”Then, in a hurry to change the subject, she said, “Do ye know of an inn in Strivelin?”
She’d stayed in Strivelin before at an inn called The Swan.But for what she planned, she needed to find a place where they didn’t know her.Where she could slip in unnoticed and escape without a trace.
“The Red Lion?”he suggested.“They have a chamber with a goose-down pallet.”
Eve’s heart sank.He was so full of hope.So full of affection for her.
But soon she was going to have to deny him.Deny herself.
She couldn’t reveal her sorrow now.So she pasted on a fake smile and urged her horse forward before he could glimpse the pain in her face.Pain that stung and filled her eyes to overflowing with tears of regret.
Dear God, how could she leave him?
How could she live without him?
How could she ever be happy again?
