Page 55 of Hearts on the Table
“We’ve already gotten into vaginal tearing. We might as well just put it all out there.”
Jas leaned forward as far as her belly would allow. “It’s the differentdegrees, Tess. That’s the terrifying part. But yes, let’s talk about men now. I currently have no sex life. Let me live vicariously.” Jas wiggled her fingers:gimme.
I bit my lip. “Listen. Technically, Sam and I aren’t…anything. We’re not supposed to date, and I have a lot of personal baggage that I’m trying to work through. He’s been really patient and understanding. We’re just…”
“Fucking,” Jas supplied, spearing a gherkin.
“No, we haven’t…well not fully…” Heat rose to my cheeks for the second time tonight. Tess and Jas swapped a look that had a lot of eyebrow action going on.
“I mean, yes, he’s amazing. The chemistry is surprisingly great,” I cut in, if only to stop the eyebrow situation from escalating. “He’s so nice. And I love talking to him. And being around him. And his body is insane.” They nodded, because no one could deny facts. “But we’re not supposed tobeanything right now.”
“And you want more?” Tess asked.
“I want him to text me first!” My hand slapped on the table, rattling the cutlery. I hadn’t realized how much this had been bothering me until just now. Maybe the wine and camaraderie had loosened me up, untangling some of my inhibitions so that I could clearly identify my issues. Now that I looked around, I realized there were two bottles on our table. One was empty and one was on its way there. With Jas sipping her mocktail, Tess and I had consumed more than I realized.
“He doesn’t text you?” Jas frowned. “Well, he’s a pretty quiet guy.”
“No, that’s the thing. He does text me. But only after I text him first. I mean, I’ve told him a few times that I want to take it slow. But wearekind of dating. Some proactive communication would be nice every once in a while, you know?”
My breath left my lungs and I shoved the rest of my brownie into my face.
“That’s a deal breaker for me.”
Jas and I both looked at Tess. I’d gotten used to her quiet musings so the steel in her words took me by surprise. “You think?”
She nodded, staring into her glass. “You deserve a man who will go out of his way to be with you. You’re not just something that’sthere. Orconvenient. If he’s not willing to fight for it, it’s not worth you fighting for, either.”
I frowned. That didn’t seem to be exactly what was happening with Sam. He was quiet to begin with, as Jas pointed out. Maybe he just wasn’t as active a communicator as I was. My gut told me he wanted to be with me, though. All I had to do was think about those changed on-call shifts and that perfect non-date. The car orgasm. I didn’t feel convenient, per se. But sometimes it felt like my minor obsession was one-sided.
“I hear you,” Jas tapped her fingernail on Tess’s plate. Tess blinked, like she was coming out of a stupor. “But I have to say—and I know I’m biased here because he’s my brother-in-law—but I think you might wait a bit before kicking him to the curb.”
Tess blushed and dropped her eyes, but Jas continued, contemplating her. “We all deserve to feel wanted, and I’m not saying you should keep giving him chance after chance.” Her eyes flicked to me. “Have you talked to him about this?”
“No, because I’ve been pumping the brakes on us this whole time. Doesn’t it send mixed signals? Especially when we’re not even official?”
“Hun, you’re official. Whether you want to put the label on it or not, that’s the truth. Trust me, Sam would want to know you feel this way.”
“You think?”
“Iknow.”She surveyed the slowly emptying cafe. I didn’t even know what time it was. The vortex of supportive sharing and tapenade had me lost. “Listen, I’m not supposed to tell you this, but I’ve been hearing about ‘Lainey from work’ for like two years straight.”
My jaw dropped.
“Don’t freak out. It wasn’t in a weird way, and he’s dated other women since then, here and there. But he talks about your work, Lainey. How smart and charismatic you are. How you put the patients at ease. He likes you. A lot. He’s wanted this for a while. Trust me, if you tell him you need something, he’ll put in the work.”
I drained the rest of my glass, not sure how to respond. Tess gulped hers as well.
“Yeah, ignore me. That doesn’t sound anything like my situation. I mean, I was with a guy fortwelve yearsand he probably never talked to his family about me like that.” She buried her face in her hands, purple strands floating around her fingers. I thought I caught a whispered,“Oh, God.”
I exchanged a look with Jas. “Maybe now we move on tothat.”
???
By ten p.m., Tess and I had worked our way through a good bit of our second bottle, and Sam and Conner arrived just in time to peel us all out of Molido’s so the staff could close up. I kept telling myself that it was fine that I was a little drunk, because I didn’t have surgery tomorrow, and it wasn’t even that late.
I told that to myself, a lot. Also to Sam, who volunteered to take me home while Conner and Jas drove Tess.
“You’re allowed to let loose,” Sam agreed, which still didn’t stop me from trying to justify my multiple glasses of wine. As someone who barely drank, splitting two bottles was out of my realm of experience. But it was so worth it. I babbled while Sam drove.
