Page 8 of Hearts on the Table
I grunted, taking a few seconds to consider while I stomped to Will’s car and jerked the door open. It was a tempting, easy solution. She’d go her way, I’d go mine, and we’d just forget thisever happened. Except that look on her face would haunt me—Distress, surprise, unease. None of the things you want a girl to feel when she learns you’re interested.
I ripped the plastic bag open and dumped the towels directly into the passenger’s seat.Fuck you, Will.
I could see how it would go down. We’d ignore the moment, now, but what would happen if I saw her at work on Monday? She’d awkwardly avoid my gaze? Paste on a polite, impersonal smile whenever she saw me, pretending everything was fine when in reality it was super weird? Worst-case scenario, it got so uncomfortable that she avoided me completely?
I cursed under my breath. No, that wouldn’t work. I had to do this right, and just do it now. The thought made my throat tight. I wished, not for the first time, I was more like my brother. Someone who said the perfect thing at the perfect time, without having to think about it for a while.
But I didn’t have that skill. All I had right now was the truth. It had been working for me so far this morning. I might as well grow a pair, as Will advised.Fucking Will.
Lainey bit her lip, waiting. My whole body felt like it was burning now. Best to just rip off the bandaid. “Will said that because he knows I like—that is…I’m attracted to you. I have been for a while.”
Her mouth popped open, like she was surprised I’d actually said it out loud, instead of letting her walk away. “You—oh.”
I cleared my throat, gave a tight smile. “Yeah. I was planning to tell you. Not now, obviously. Fellows and attendings…we’re not really supposed to mix. Romantically.”
“Right.” She nodded, brow furrowing. “Hospital policy.”
“I also didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.” I paused, sizing her up. Her surprise looked troubled now. Baffled. Like I’d only explained half of a surgical procedure, thenasked her to complete the rest without me. It didn’t seem like a good sign.
“I…right. I’m not. Uncomfortable, that is.” She frowned deeper, like she was feeling the words out as she said them. Checking in on how shereallyfelt. My bet was on completely dumbfounded. Before this morning, we’d never had a single non-work-related conversation. Now I was telling her I liked her? Bizarre.
“Well, great. That’s one of us, because I’d like to throw myself in front of a car.”
My response actually surprised a laugh out of her. A real one, not a you-just-told-me-you’re-attracted-to-me-and-I-think-you’re-a-bowl-of-oatmeal-so-here’s-a-pity-laugh, laugh. Despite the ridiculous awkwardness of this conversation, it broke some of the tension crackling between us.
Her chuckled ended on a strained groan, and she put her hands over her face. Definitely secondhand humiliation. “I’m so sorry, this is just really unexpected and really—”
“Awkward. This is really fucking awkward. Don’t worry, I’m going to kill Will later.” She smiled again and I latched onto it.
My brain was picking across the undercurrent of the conversation, teetering precariously from one sentence to the next. I felt like at any minute I’d miss something and drown in the demoralization of it all.
I cleared my throat, trying to put my finger on the next best thing to say. The next truth. The only thing that came to mind was an echo of what she’d said earlier. “I hope this doesn’t affect our working relationship.” I made a face. This time, her laugh sounded strangled.
Her eyes darted around the parking lot, like she was looking for answers. “Ah…I don’t think it will?” Even though she was smiling, working to gloss over the uncomfortable situation, I didn’t like the hesitation in her voice.
The strained, impersonal smiles and workplace avoidance were still a distinct possibility. It was the last thing I wanted, and I felt the need to reassure her I wasn’t going to make it weird. I’d heard her tell Jones she didn’t date people from work. I hated the thought of her being on edge around me, thinking I was going to hound her like he did.
“I’m cool if you’re cool,” I offered. I could be cool. I’d been cool this whole time. Playing it cool, keeping my cool. So fucking cool.Alright, stop thinking about the word cool.
“Yeah, I’m…cool.” Now, only half her mouth tilted up, like only part of her was committed to it. I’d take it. This shitshow of a conversation had gone on long enough. I wanted to get out of here.
I didn’t need to hear her tell me she wasso flattered, but she’d just never thought of me like that before, or something. It had been written all over her face the second I’d walked out that door. She wasn’t into it. I didn’t need to drag any of this out.
Time to regroup. Far away from here. Take the world’s longest shower and plot my brother’s demise and try not to think about how such a great morning had gone south so fast.
“Then, we’re good.” I swallowed. We were good. This was fine. Just fine. “Good workout today, Dr. Carmichael.” I turned away before I could second-guess myself and her and this entire conversation. She was still standing where I’d left her as I drove away.
???
“I swear, Reese, it’s freaking Grey’s Anatomy out there!” Director Caplan nodded out his interior window, where it overlooked the lobby of the cardiac unit. It was Monday, and I’d worked up the nerve to come to work after cringing for two days straight every time I thought of my conversation with Lainey.
I’m attracted to you.Caplan was right. That was some Grey's Anatomy shit.
“So, she’s suing?” I took a bite of my sandwich, telling myself to stay on track. Caplan had invited me here to talk about my new proposal for the residency program, but he’d gone off on a tangent. A love triangle gone wrong between a cardiac attending and two anesthesiologists.
Caplan scowled. “She’s saying it’s a toxic work environment now that she has to work with both of them. The board is tied up in knots over it. It’s the third time this year some office romance bullshit has threatened the organization.”
I shoved another bite into my mouth, trying not to think about how close I’d come to proposing my own office romance bullshit to Caplan’s favorite fellow.
