Page 83 of Hearts on the Table
Sam
“I know I don’t have to tell you this, but it happens to everyone.” Caplan squeezed my shoulder. I appreciated his attempt, but it did little to alleviate the pit in my stomach.
I’d lost countless patients before. I had protocols for it now: Go home, take a scalding shower after pumping some iron in my garage, watch some mindless show or see if Jas and Conner were up for some company. Early to bed, then back at it again in the morning.
Like all specialties, cardiothoracic surgery had its ups and downs. A bypass was common practice for me now, but some patients had a harder time bouncing back than others. Some people’s bodies just couldn’t recover. I knew this, but it was hard to tell a family that a routine procedure had taken the life of their loved one.
“Listen, I know this isn’t the best time for this, but I wanted to get to you before you heard it from someone else.” At Caplan’s grimace, I steeled myself for even more bad news.
My life had been going pretty well recently. In fact, it had been a fucking dream. I was with Lainey. My family was happy and mostly healthy. My work was going well, barring the intermittent drama with board oversight.
Maybe that’s why today had been miserable.
Lainey had already been in the shower when I woke up, which threw me off kilter before my eyes had even opened. I was used to her lying around with me in the mornings, chattingor checking her phone or just laying there together. Later, over her tea, she’d been…fine, just like she had been this weekend. Nothing overtly wrong or off, just a little distant. I’d still gotten a kiss before we parted ways at her car, but it lacked any of the heat I’d grown used to when her lips were on mine.
Work had hit me like a freight train the second I stepped into the building. My patient in the ICU was rapidly deteriorating, not to mention three back-to-back stent procedures.
I’d come out of the third surgery to a nurse with sticky notes all over her binder. The patient in the ICU had passed away. My brother had called to let me know Jas was back in the hospital after a concerning check-up. On and on and on. One emergency after another.
Now, three hours past when I was supposed to leave, with a tension headache pounding between my eyes, I braced for more. Caplan looked like he’d swallowed something sour.
“We’re naming Dr. Whitaker’s replacement for program director this week. We’ve decided to go with Garcia.”
I stared, head throbbing. Garcia. The man who’d never shown an interest in the residents past how much work he could shove off on them or which one he could take his anger out on during a bad day? Garcia, the doctor nearly as old as Whitaker?
“I know what you’re thinking.”Unlikely.“But he’s old buddies with someone on the board, and he’s losing his edge on the OR. This lets us keep him around and minimize his time with patients. It was a win-win.”
The board. Why did it always come back to that, these days? I’d heard more grumblings over the past few weeks about it than I’d heard my entire tenure at Cedar.
“That’s a bad call.”
Caplan drew back, but I didn’t have it in me to soften the blow. Not today. He waited, but I didn’t explain any further. We both knew exactly how shitty this move was. For the residents,and the rest of us. With Garcia at the helm, they’d be hard-pressed to get a holistic experience, much less the support they’d need to get through some of the most stressful years of their lives. The quality of the residents’ experiences trickled down to the rest of us, including patients.
Caplan cleared his throat. “I’m afraid my hands are tied on the matter.”
I wasn’t sure that they were. Maybe Caplan was between a rock and a hard place, but his job was to lead the fucking department. Not grab a trampoline when the board told him to jump. My silence must have said as much. He studied his shoes.
“There’s an enormous amount of pressure in this position. Not every decision I make is popular.”
“That’d be fine if it was really you deciding.” I hiked my backpack onto my shoulder. I was over this conversation. This day. “Just don’t be surprised when people get fed up when there’s no one around to stick up for them.”
???
The knots loosened from my shoulders when I saw Lainey’s car parked by my house. I wondered how much better my protocols for losing a patient would be when she was around. In the shower with me, snuggled up watching a war documentary. Then early to bed with her wrapped around me. That was the kind of thing I could get used to.
She brightened up everything. It made me want to beg her to move in. Keep her forever. Was it too early to offer her a drawer? Half my closet? A ring?
I dropped my bag, feet scraping up the stairs. I was exhausted. And angry. And hungry.
“Sweetheart?” My voice barely carried across the first floor. Anything louder and my head was bound to pop off my neck. Imade a beeline to the kitchen, throwing back two Tylenol and sticking my head under the sink. A glass was too much work right now. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lainey padding across the living room.
I turned to give her a tired smile. “Hi.”
I knew something was wrong before she even opened her mouth. Something about that blank look on her face, the way she was standing there clutching a sheaf of papers, warned me. Too late.
“You reported our relationship to HR.”
Oh.Fuck.My temples pulsed.
