Page 90 of Hearts on the Table
Like, I loved how Sam had a passion for working out but also enjoyed a good cocktail and over-ordered Mexican takeout. I liked the way he was content to sit back and listen while I spoke with other people. From what I could recall, Nate had a frustrating habit of interrupting or cutting me off. Often.
Sam made me feel heard without making me feel like I was dominating the conversation. I liked how confident he was. I didn’t have to worry about him, even if he was quiet. He’d speak up if he had a problem.
Usually. I wish he’d spoken up before filing paperwork on my behalf.
And just like that, I oscillated more into the punching end of the spectrum than kissing.
A week of overthinking had brought me to the conclusion that he’d made the right move. I just wish I’d known about it. But if he’d told me while I was still on the fence about everything that he was submitting formal documentation of our relationship to my superiors, I’d have keeled over.
So…was I the problem? Him? I kept landing somewhere in the middle, and I didn’t know what to do with that.
“How did you know Katie was worth the risk?” My question echoed in the eerily quiet hall. Nate looked physically shaken, staring at me without speaking. “I mean, it didn’t seem like it at the time, but surely you had some concerns. Dumping Rebecca Carmichael’s daughter? The lease? We were working on that research paper together that was going to get published…What made you decide it would be worth it, even if everything fell apart for you?”
He stared—mouth wide and fishlike—for a second before clearing his throat (for the third time, what the heck did he have a cold or something?) and straightening his tie.
“I...I’m sorry if it seemed like I made the decision lightly. I didn’t…” He trailed off, staring at the blank wall in front of him. Thinking, or maybe just avoiding my eyes. I couldn’t even believe that I’d asked him, but it was suddenly imperative that I heard his answer. How did one know if risking their entire life was worth it for one person? Well, I was sitting next to someone who might have some insight into that.
“It just felt right.” He finally looked at me, apologetic. “I know that’s probably not the answer you want to hear, but she and I just…fit together. Everything was easy. It worked. You and I, we bickered, you know? And, I always felt like—oh.”
I flapped my hands at him, waving off what seemed to be devolving into some years-overdue “it wasn’t you, it was me” type speech. “I don’t care about that part. We weren’t right. You and Katie are. Fine. Whatever.” Flap, flap. I needed to get control of my wrists. “But what made you finally do it? Break everything off? Take the jump?”
“I, erm, well…” He coughed. Again. Jesus. “I’ve never loved someone the way I love Katie. Falling for her, it was like looking in my pocket and suddenly realizing there was a priceless diamond inside. She’d been right in front of me for so long, and I hadn’t even known it. Once I saw it—sawher—I couldn’t waste any more time.”
His words struck a chord so deep, so profound, that my brain somehow erupted in a cacophony while falling quiet at the same time. Maybe this is what people felt like after something exploded near them. The noise. The lack of it. The panic. The calm.
Once he saw her…
“Lainey? Are you okay?”
“I…don’t know.”
We stared at each other for a long moment, his head slowly nodding as he looked at me. “I hope you are.”
“Thank you,” I whispered. He looked at his folio. I looked back at my phone.
After a few moments, the door in front of us swung open. Jones sauntered out, still saying something about golfing to the people inside. I hadn’t given him much thought since he’d confessed the role he played in my exile. He’d done a crappy thing, but he wasn’t really to blame for how everything was going down. It wasn’t his fault his grandfather was evil. It was only his fault that he was a jealous little baby man, and I had no time for people like that in my life.
At this second, with him mere feet away from me, I still wasn’t thinking about him. Or care. Because there was Sam.
I shot to my feet when I saw him, his face achingly familiar. My heart jumped to see it. He looked tired, smudges under his eyes and a weary expression. His lips tipped in a strained, sterile attempt at a smile.
“Dr. Carmichael. Come in.”
Jones brushed past me, muttering something to me I didn’t catch. The longer I looked at Sam, the more the uproar in my head settled. The silence rose to become a single voice. Urging me forward. Toward him.
Through the open door, I could see Sturmond and the rest of the quality board sitting along one side of the conference table, waiting. A hysterical laugh burst out of my throat.
“Dr. Carmichael?” Sam cocked his head towards the conference room, cool and collected as always. Only now that I knew him, I could see the strain on his face and how hard he was working to mask it. He was hurting like I was.
His brow furrowed, a crack in his façade. I’d been standing there for too long, caught like a spider in a web of past and present and future.
I felt everything all at once. The ache in my chest—I missed him. The eyes on me—Nate, and Jones, and the Board. The numb, floating feeling as all the little pieces in my head settled into place with a final click.
“I can’t take this job. I’m in love with you.”
My declaration lost some of its impact because I was still laughing. I was certain I sounded hysterical. Maybe Iwashysterical, but that didn’t change the truth: I was in love with Samuel Reese. I’d been in love with him for a long time. Perhaps all along. Maybe my heart had put on blinders with him because it knew that the minute I opened my eyes and truly saw him it would be all over for me.
Well, I saw him now. And it was all over.
