Page 42 of Dr. Do-Right
Every time we talked about my parents, he always told me the same things. That I was worthy of love, especially from the people who were supposed to love me most. That I was allowed to make my own choices about my life. And that whatever I decided to do about my parents, whenever I decided to do it, he’d be with me all the way.
Looking back, this conversation, this breaking point, was inevitable. Maybe he and Dr. Peterson had always known that would be the case.
“Death threats have a way of offering some perspective, I suppose,” he murmured, rocking me slightly against him. His fingers threaded through my hair.
“That, yes,” I admitted. “And she was talking about how you and Sonnie are bad influences on me and had never been any good. I couldn’t let her talk about you like that.”
Mal stilled his stroking, craning down to look at my face. His brow furrowed softly, like he was asking a question, or he’d misheard me. “You cut your parents off because of me?”
“And Sonnie,” I qualified, not sure why I felt the need to do so. I also wasn’t sure why my eyes darted away to stare at the framed Jackson Pollock print across the room that we’d yet to hang.“Besides, she was saying stuff like maybe Christine was telling the truth, and I kind of cracked.”
“Hmm.” Mal breathed out a deep, growly sigh. “You know her whole story, the baby and everything, is a lie.”
I jerked upright. Since we’d seen the video this morning, and the subsequent social media commentary, we hadn’t discussed Christine’s story. I’d assumed we didn’t have to.
“Of course it’s a lie, Mal. You would never do that to someone. You’d stand by your child, if you had one. Even if you had one with someone who is completely disturbed.” My fingers wrapped around his chin when he continued to study the swirling pattern on my yoga pants. “I know you better than that. I know that what she’s saying…it isn’t possible. Not for you.”
He took a quiet breath, let it out slowly.
“Rija, I’ve never had sex with Christine. Not even when we first met. But even if I had, she wouldn’t be pregnant with my child. She couldn’t.” His black-brown irises bored into mine.
“You can’t have kids?” That seemed like what he was trying to tell me, but I wanted to make sure I was reading it right. He looked so serious, so concerned. I knew this was important to him. Which made it important to me.
“I can’t. She’s not the first to threaten to make such…claims about me. Years ago, after all the social media stuff started taking off, before I’d met you, I had a vasectomy.”
I could feel my brows shoot up to my hairline. It occurred to me, jarringly, that we’d never once talked about birth control. I was on the pill, and I knew I was clean, and Mal was, too. But then my brain digested what he was telling me, and my heart sank for him.
“That must have been a tough decision for you.” I cradled his jaw when he would have dipped his head.
“It, um, wasn’t really.” His gaze flickered across my forehead before finally landing on my eyes. Lines of tension stood outin his neck. “I decided a long time ago that if I were ever to be a father, my children wouldn’t biologically be mine.” He swallowed, eyes searching. “I know we’ve never talked about this before, and it’s a big discussion. It should probably wait for a time when we’re not—”
“I don’t want kids,” I blurted, unable to contain the words as they spewed out of my mouth. Mal paused, considering me. I hurried on. “My career is important to me, and my life. And I don’t have the greatest parental role models. There are just so many other people and things that need my attention and I’m worried I’d fuck a kid up so bad and…and maybe it’s selfish, too. I like my life. I’m not sure I want to share it for the next eighteen years or whatever with someone I’ve never met.”
I gulped, steeling myself for the look of judgement or disbelief I’d received any other time I divulged this to other people, which was rare. He gave me nothing other than that quiet examination, like he was trying to see underneath my skin.
“You’re sure?”
“Yes,” I nodded. The few people I’d discussed this with assured me I was just young and I’d change my mind when my “biological clock” started ticking. Well, time was still ticking and I still had zero desire to raise a child. “Trust me, I’ve thought about this a lot and, it might sound terrible, but it just doesn’t sound like something I want.”
“It doesn’t sound terrible.” Finally, his mouth lifted in a hint of a smile. His jaw softened underneath my fingertips. “I don’t want kids, either.”
“You don’t? Areyousure?” I gasped. This was the first time anyone had ever believed me when I told them I didn’t want kids. Better, this was the first time anyone had ever agreed with me.
But it was Mal. He oozed stability and structure. He’d make a top-tier father—strong and supportive, fun and flexible. Heseemed like the type of guy who would want kids. “Didn’t you just say if you were ever a dad, you’d adopt?”
“If. And that’s a big if. It would depend entirely on what my partner wanted and what we decided we wanted together.” He smiled down at me, like I was that partner. I wanted to be. Very badly. “If it were a deal breaker for the woman of my dreams, I could make it work. I just feel like my whole life is focused on serving other people. You know I love my job and helping where I can. I feel like I can do so much for this world, but I couldn’t imagine coming home at the end of a long day and having to take care of other people in my free time, too.”
“Yes,” I whispered. I’d never been able to articulate my feelings on it so clearly. His words rang around in my chest, so right it was almost painful. Mal had always made me feel seen, special. Now, I felt understood, too. He wasn’t telling me I should wait or reconsider. He got it.
Because he was right. I held people’s lives in my hands every day. I held their loved ones as they cried, and had already dealt enough with other people’s bowel movements to last a lifetime, without bringing an infant into the picture. I’d always known my calling was to take care of people. As long as I could remember, that hadn’t included a baby. My energy, my passion, my joy…it found me elsewhere.
“Yes,” he repeated, forehead pressing against mine. “And I have to say it’s a relief that the woman of my dreams feels the same.” Chocolate eyes gazed into mine. My heart skipped a beat.
“Oh.”
“Oh.” He grinned, pressing the softest kiss to my lips. “I love you.Youare my future, too, Rija.”
My eyes screwed shut, despite never wanting to look away from the adoration shining down at me from his beautiful face. “You heard that?”
