Page 77 of Spotted at Lighthouse Bay
He put a bag of chai into her mug, a bag of Earl Grey into his. “I wasn’t honest with you. I didn’t leave my last job because I was bored.” He turned to face her, his arms crossed over his chest. “I was having events.”
“What kind of events?” Addy asked.
“It started after I lost my cousin. Something would set me off and I couldn’t breathe. My chest would get tight, and I thought I was going to die.”
The tea kettle went off. He turned, pouring boiling water into her mug, then his.
“I thought something was wrong with my heart, but the doctor told me they were panic attacks.” He set a timer for the tea. “I left my job after having one during a meeting. I can’t tell you how embarrassing that was.”
Steam rose up, circling and disappearing into the air. He turned, a mug in each hand, bracing for the horror on her face.
“Oh.” Addy wrapped her hands around the mug. “That’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
“When you’re supposed to be in charge, it’s very embarrassing. I kept losing control, and I felt like I was falling apart.”
“I see,” she said, slowly nodding. “But you still –”
He put up a hand. “I need you to know the full story.”
She scrunched her shoulders and nodded.
“When a friend of mine offered me a position at IronClad Elite, I was desperate. I needed to prove I wasn’t falling apart. I needed to prove I could still react, still protect someone. I was convinced if I could do that, then the panic attacks would stop.”
Rick paused, rubbing his face with his hand. She was never going to look at him the same again, but it was for the best. She deserved to know.
He cleared his throat and went on. “I can’t predict when they are going to happen, though, and when they start, I’m completely useless. It wasn’t fair to you, it wasn’t safe for you, and I am so sorry.”
“No apology needed, Rick,” she said quickly.
Of course she would say that. “When we argued yesterday, I felt a panic attack coming and I didn’t want you to see. That’s why I left.” He lowered his eyes, focusing on his tea. “I left you vulnerable because I’m broken. I’m not fit to help anyone.” He looked up, meeting her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Addy. I cannot express to you how sorry I am. If anything had happened to you…”
The timer went off. He took out the teabags and took a sip of tea. His throat loosened slightly with the burn.
She was quiet. Maybe she was deciding if she should yell at him. Scold him for putting her life in danger.
He deserved that, and more. He braced his grip on the counter.
She tapped his knuckles with her fingers. Her touch was as soft as rain.
“I have to disagree with some of the things you said,” Addy said with a smile. “You’re not falling apart. You’re not broken. You’re extremely capable, Rick. You found me in the back of that van, somehow.”
He shook his head. “That never should’ve happened.”
“Can I ask something?”
“Anything.”
“What triggered your panic attack yesterday?”
He sighed. “It started when they told me the job was over. I felt the chaos coming on at the idea that you’d be unprotected. That was why I called your ex-husband. I didn’t mean to disrespect you. I was desperate.”
“Then, when he called and told me to grow up…”
“Yeah,” Rick said. “That was when it fully hit. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t think of any other options.”
She set her mug down. “What I’m hearing is that your panic attacks happen when you feel like you’re out of control.” She paused. “Not out of control, exactly. When you can’t protect someone.”
He looked into his mug. When he’d had a panic attack at work, it was right after getting a call about his mom. She’d called an ambulance, thinking she was having a stroke.
