Page 78 of Spotted at Lighthouse Bay
Then, another time, he was driving and saw a car veer off the road. He was useless then, too, trapped in his own car, unable to breathe. Unable to even call 911.
Rick shrugged. “I guess.”
“It started after Cody passed away. When you decided you should’ve protected him,” she added.
His chest hardened, his lungs like blocks of ice. He forced himself to take a breath. “Yeah. Maybe.”
“I’m sorry. Did I cross a line?” Addy asked. “I didn’t mean to. It just seems from the outside that –”
“No, you’re right. I’ve thought about it, and how it didn’t make sense, but it doesn’t help. It doesn’t stop the panic attacks. I thought if I could prove to myself that I wasn’t useless –”
“You’re not useless.”
“I’m falling apart, Addy. I really am.” He stared at her. It felt like his eyelids had picked up sand, grinding with every blink. “I’m no good for anybody.”
“You may be falling apart, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.”
This made him laugh, Addy’s deluded optimism. He hadn’t expected it to swing back around for him. “Oh, really?”
“When I was going through my divorce, I felt like I was falling apart, too. I was always anxious. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. My head was jumbled. I was sure I was losing it.”
He knew that feeling well.
She went on. “I used to get lunch with a friend at the university. He was a psychology professor, and he told me about a Polish psychologist, Kazimierz Dabrowski. His theory was that inner turmoil isn’t necessarily a sign of mental illness. He thought it could be a sign of growth.”
Rick frowned. “This doesn’t feel like growth.”
“I know,” Addy said with a laugh. “It feels like falling apart, because in a way, it is. He called it ‘positive disintegration.’ You break down, yes, but then you have the chance to put yourself back together. You become more emotionally complex, more mature.”
“So you’re saying,” Rick said slowly, “that I’m Humpty Dumpty?”
A scowl crossed her face. “You and I both know all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again.” A laugh burst out of her.
Rick found himself laughing too. “Is that not the case here?”
“You don’t need the king’s horses, or the king’s men. You’re putting yourself back together. You might be falling apart now, but you won’t be falling apart forever. You’re looking inward. You’re coming back stronger. I promise.”
He took a sip of tea. It had cooled, almost lukewarm now. “This doesn’t change the fact that I should’ve sorted this out before I took on the job of protecting you.”
“Eh.” She waved a hand. “I disagree. We make a great team. Plus, it’s not your job to protect me anymore. You got fired.”
He nodded. “I sure did.”
“Maybe you’ve been in the protector role for too long.” Her eyes were fixed on him now. “Maybe you need a break.”
He flinched. “I don’t know about that.”
“Sometimes an idea has been in our heads so long, we don’t even think to question it. You don’t have to protect everyone to be worth something, Rick. You’re worthy just as you are.”
“This is turning into a motivational speech.”
Addy grinned. “I had a lot of time to think in the back of that van. I was trying to prove something, too…that I wasn’t useless. Same word you keep repeating. I needed to show that I was worth something. More than what my ex-husband thought of me. More than what the world thought of me: an old, washed up, middle-aged woman.”
“Of course you’re worth something,” he sputtered. “You’re amazing, Addy. You’re not old or washed up.”
“But I am middle aged.”
Rick smiled. “Aren’t we all?”
