Page 83 of Ruined Vows
He’s always on my mind. He’s like a fungus I can’t kill with disinfectant.
I phoned Joanne with the update.
“Tell me you didn’t sleep with him,” she gushes.
I close my eyes. “Hi, Joanne,” I drone.
“Bianca. Tell me. Right now. Are you wearing his shirt?”
“No!”
“Are you lying to me?”
“No!”
“…Did youwantto?”
I sink onto the couch and groan. “That’s not the point.”
“Oh, honey, that’s exactly the point. Talk.”
“We kissed.”
“You’ve kissed before.”
“No. Wekissed.Capital-K, knees-weak, car-window-fogged, hand-up-my-shirt?—”
“Oh my God.”
“And then I panicked.”
“…Youran?”
“Like a coward.”
“Like he makes you uncomfortable,” she mutters. “Jesus.”
I rub my forehead. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Bianca.”
“What?”
“You’re falling.”
“I’mnot.”
“You are. And you know how I know?”
“Please. Enlighten me.”
“Because you called me. And you only call me when you’re scared you did something that might give youfeelings.Y’know, when you let down your guard, and then you panic. Then, put up walls and deflect until you’re in control again.”
I’m silent. Damn. I don’t know if I should kiss her or be pissed because she’s right. And I hate it.
Joanne softens her tone. “What are you afraid of?”
“That he means it,” I whisper. “That he’s real and he’s into me and that he’s a good man.”
