Page 337 of Releasing 10
I knew this wasn’t who Liz was, and Iknewshe was sick, but I was too hurt and too fucking raw to separate the two.
My heart was torn to ribbons, and my confidence was at an all-time low. I felt like an expendable toy that she’d enjoyed playing with for nine years and had grown bored of.
I felt like I wasnothing.
Nothing but collateral damage in her tornado of emotions.
Images of her face flashed through my mind like a damn projector playing behind my eyes.
I could still smell her on my pillow. I kept finding rogue strands of her hair on random items of clothing.
Jesus, it hurt so bad, it made it hard to breathe.
I wanted to ask her parents what the hell was happening and demand to know why she hadn’t been hospitalized yet. I stopped myself from contacting her parents because talking to them wouldn’t be good for me, and I had to start puttingmefirst now.
I had no idea how to put myself back together, nor did I have the slightest inkling of how to work though the betrayal.
My only remotely productive achievement since the breakup was taking on a part-time job at the pool, and honestly, being in the water was my saving grace. It kept my mind busy and my thoughtsoffher. The fact that our lives were so deeply entwined made it impossible for me to go more than half a day without running into her.
I saw her every day at school.
I saw her at home when Claire invited her over.
I saw her at work, where she was a member.
I saw hereverywhere.
The worst part of it all was that Istillloved her, and Istillwanted to be with her.
And I fucking hated myself for feeling that way.
NOT A CARE IN THE WORLD
Lizzie
NOVEMBER 6, 2003
WHENIARRIVED AT SCHOOL, IDIDN’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HURTING ANYONE’Sfeelings because I didn’t have a care in the world.
Not even one.
Today, I was as free as a bird, and I could live my life without being plagued by fear.
When Pierce followed me inside one of the toilet cubicles in the PE hall, my mind shut down and my body took over. When he hitched my skirt up and told me to sit on his lap, I did exactly what I was told.
Like a good girl.
Like the monster showed me.
Afterwards, I felt sated, like I didn’t need to rub my body all over him or push my fingers deep inside me.
This boy didn’t get cross with me for having bad thoughts.
This boy scratched the itch for me.
He made me better with his medicine.
When he left me alone in the bathroom, I studied my reflection in the mirror, fixated on the colors shooting out of my eyes.
