Page 358 of Releasing 10

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Memories.

His sweaty body.

The fear.

The cries.

The sensations.

The pain.

The weight of him.

The sound of the mattress springs creaking.

Of a different life.

Of an alternate universe.

I needed to stop feeling her pain.

Itdidn’tbelong to me.

Itwasn’tmy trauma.

Feeling the panic blow over into hysteria, I snatched a random toothbrush off the basin and used all my force to crack it in half.

Frantic, I cast the half with the head of the toothbrush aside, using the other piece instead. The rigid plastic wasn’t perfect, but it would do what I needed it to do.

Fisting the plastic handle in my left hand, I began to stroke the jagged end against my thigh.

Gently at first, until I built up enough momentum for the sharp, scalding sensation to assault my senses when the sharp ridge tore its way through the upper layer of my skin.

Breaking through the skin was a challenge but one I relished.

Relentless now, I moved my hand back and forth in a ferocious rhythm, biting down on my free hand when the pain became almost unbearable.

But I couldn’t stop yet.

Because I wasn’t tired.

I wasn’t sated.

I wasn’t stable.

I needed this.

I needed to make the images leave my head and this was how I accomplished exactly that.

That’s how I madehimgo away.

Only when the flesh of my thigh was indistinguishable from the blood dripping from my hand did I stop.

Exhaling a ragged breath, I released my hold on my makeshift weapon and tossed it aside before placing both hands on the cool tiles beneath me.

Closing my eyes, I breathed in deep and slow, letting myself sit with the pain for a moment.

Letting my brain rewire the pathway from mental pain to physical pain.

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