Page 55 of The Wrong Side of Kai
“Oh, shit,” I whisper, swallowing the lump in my throat. God, why do I always jump to conclusions? Here I was, adamant that Kai didn’t want me because he is still in love with Sierra, when he totally isn’t. The guilt sets in, because now I know I’ve been angry at him all day for no valid reason, and that’s not fair. Maybe I shouldn’t have run away so quickly last night either. I should have stayed and given him the chance to apologize.
Hell, Ireallyneed to stop jumping to conclusions.
Kai turns his body toward me and frowns as he takes in my expression. I wonder what he sees in my eyes as he looks at me, because even I don’t know how I feel. Everything is a total whirlwind. “You’re so scared of getting close to anyone, it’s like you justhaveto sabotage anything that has the potential to really be something,” he says.
His change of tone surprises me. I don’t like his accusatory statement. “What?”
“Admit it, Vanessa,” he says gently. “You’re trying to push me away. That’s why you’ve convinced yourself of all this bullshit. You’re telling yourself I don’t care about you, that I’m not interested, that I’m still in love with Sierra. . . because that’ll give you a reason.”
I shake my head, even though his words ring true within me. “A reason for what?”
“For not seeing what could happen between us.”
Is that what I’ve been doing? Subconsciously sabotaging things with Kai by conjuring up things that aren’t real, like him still being in love with his ex, and him not being interested in me other than as an accomplice? Have I just been searching for a reason to cut him off because I’m scared?
The realization hits me like a ton of bricks. How did Kai notice what I couldn’t? How does someone I’ve known since Monday already know me better than I know myself?
“Wow,” is all I can say. I stare at the ground ahead, unblinking as my eyes begin to water. My teeth chatter too, but I clench my jaw to stop myself. I don’t know how to reply. I am paralyzed by the truth.
I do want to see where things go with Kai, but it makes me anxious that I feel this way after so long keeping everyone at arm’s-length. I’m so scared of getting serious with someone, of letting them in and then losing them, but I’m also scared of losing mychancewith Kai. And it’s an awful feeling, being so torn and wanting to take a risk for once in my life, but also trying to protect myself the same way I have for the past two years. Is that why I’ve been trying to blame Kai by telling myself thathedoesn’t want to take things further? Because that way,Iwouldn’t have to make a decision?
“Don’t push me away, Nessie,” Kai says, reaching for my hand. I let him, and even though his are still damp and raw from clearing away the snow, the touch of his skin on mine feels perfect. “Can’t we just continue the way we are? Just hanging out and joking around together, and we’ll see where we end up? And if you want to do the kissing thing, then I’m totally cool with that.”
I finally look at him. His eyes are wide and hopeful, but also worried. He looks terrified that his words haven’t gotten through to me, that I’m going to tell him there is absolutely no chance in hell that we’ll ever be together likethat. “Can I tell you something?” I ask.
“Only if it’s something good,” he says.
I give him a pathetic half smile and then drop my eyes to our hands. “You’re the first guy I’ve ever thought there was potential with in the first place,” I admit. Such a statement feels like a huge achievement. I don’t do. . .this. I don’t sit outside in the snow with a guy, holding his hand while we discussus. It’s terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.
Kai’s eyes light up, that fear disappearing, replaced with pure hope. “Then it’s settled. Captain Washington is going to be the one who makes you believe in giving things a shot.”
*
Kai and I leave the party. We catch up with Chyna first to make sure she’ll be alright without me, but she’s still bubbling with laughter with Malik, so she reassures me that she’ll be fine. Isaiah will pick her up later, so I know she’ll get home safely. I make a point of finding Maddie too, letting her know that Kai and I have decided to head home early, and she thanks us all over again for the amazing performance we gave earlier. Neither of us bothers telling her that it wasn’t a performance at all.
There’s nothing worth staying at the party for. I’m not in the mood for drinking and dancing on tables and all I want is to be with Kai, so we make our getaway just before 10pm.
We walk hand in hand and our pace quickens as we battle the elements. I can’t tear my eyes away from him. I stare at the sharp lines of his jaw, the softness of his full lips, the shine of his glistening eyes. I even stare at that slit in his eyebrow and wonder when I decided that it was actually kinda hot.
“So how screwed do you think we’ll be at school on Monday?” Kai jokes. His other hand is stuffed into the front pocket of his black jeans, and I can see that he’s shivering a little. We’re not too far from my house now, though.
“Whatever happens, I’m not going to fight back anymore,” I say with a shrug. I’m so over this now – none of it is worth it. The five minutes of satisfaction I get from messing with Harrison isn’t justified. It only ever makes everything worse. I’m going to be the bigger person from now on.
“Neither am I,” says Kai. He pulls me through the snow, kicking it out of the way where it’s been shoveled into piles at the end of driveways. “I think we’ve done everything we needed to. We caused an all-out war, but I’m game for a peace treaty at this point. I think I broke a knuckle.” He lets go of my hand so that he can hold up his. He flexes his fingers and shows me his bruised, swollen knuckles. I stop walking and step in front of him, blocking his path. I take his hand and press my lips to those knuckles, the same way I kissed his injuries last night.
“Thank you,” I say.
Kai looks down at me with a soft gaze. “I thought you didn’t need rescuing.”
“I didn’t,” I huff, pushing his hand away.
We laugh and sneak a kiss, then keep on walking, quickening our steps as the cold really begins to set in. We are absolutely insane to be walking home in this weather, but I guess none of our decisions this week have been good ones. We’re a little bit too impulsive, and definitely reckless. But perhaps that’s what has drawn us to one another.
When we finally make it to my house, I let out a sigh of relief and run for the porch. I’ve never been so happy to see my own front door before. I throw it open and pull Kai in, and – thank God – Dad has the heat on high. For once, my home feels warm and inviting. I kick off my ruined sneakers, and a huge shiver surges down my spine.
“Who’s there?” Dad calls as he rounds the corner from the kitchen, poised with a frying pan and a dishcloth. He immediately relaxes and lowers the pan when he sees that it’s only me. That’s the difference between Harrison’s family and mine – Mr. Boyd points guns at intruders; my dad wields a frying pan. “Oh. What are you doing back home so early? I thought you were spending the night at Chyna’s. You usually do.”
Hehasnoticed that I spend most weekends at Chyna’s place? All this time, I was convinced he just didn’t care about my whereabouts, but maybe his lack of concern makes more sense now if he always thought I was safe over at the Tate house.
