Page 123 of Cage of Starlight
Kierney who makes a nest of Sena’s hair, who made Sena smile like a child by the fire. He can’t push words past the stone in his throat.
Jeffra bustles over to the other side of the room, where she begins to make an already made bed, smoothing out invisible wrinkles. Back facing him, she says, “I know you were out there. I heard about the battle.” He knows the question is coming before he watches the tension coil through her spine. At last, she says, “Niela, did you see her?”
Tory winces. “Jeffra . . .”
“I asked because I wanted an answer.”
“. . . All right, then. I saw her.”
Jeffra waits.
“Randall was—he was.” Tory can’t look at her. “Niela tried to heal him.”
“Fool girl,” Jeffra whispers.
“It was chaos. I didn’t see her after that, but . . .”
Jeffra nods, hands riding over the blanket on the cot in a long, gentle sweep before she pulls herself up. “All right. I asked because I wanted an answer.” She sets her shoulders, sets her mouth into a grim line. “I’ve done enough blubbering, so I’m going to ask you to give my hands some work to do. What else hurts?”
“Jeffra. You don’t have to.”
“I always have to! It’s our job. It washerjob. Doesn’t matter how we feel. We go out and fix things.”
“Not today,” Tory says. “I won’t tell anyone.”
Kierney continues his cheery tune.
“Just tell me what else hurts. Don’t make an old woman go looking.”
“Nothing much.”
Her hands settle on either side of him, brown eyes unsettlingly close and steady. “Don’tnothing muchme. Pain is your body’s free warning system. I’ll thank you not to ignore it.”
That damn bird won’t stop singing. Tory throws his arm over his eyes, muffles his next words into his elbow. “I just need tofocus. I don’t have time to be weak, to think—” He has a mission. He gulps a breath in, exhales the disgusting heat of it against his face. “I don’t need this.”
Jeffra tuts, and the warmth starts up again, seeking out little pains. After a while, she says, “I don’t think you have any idea what you need.”
“It’sover, it’s not important anymore—”
“Did you hear a word I said? If something hurts, it’sbecauseit’s important. My girl was important. Sena? He was important. The important things are ugly. They leave scars. What you’re feeling, that’s how you know it mattered.”
It mattered. The truth is a horrible thing in retrospect. Mattered, past tense, because he turned away to save himself. He doesn’t feel saved. He feels eviscerated. “I left him there. I left him behind.”
She lets his words sit between them. “Then hold on tighter next time.”
He’s not sure why he says what he says next. Jeffra’s matter-of-factness, maybe. The birdsong. The underwater dimness in here, hazy as a dream or a secret. The words slip out before he can stop them: “I hate how the world looks without him. I’d take his place, if I could.”
The words strip him bare. He wishes he could stuff them back inside.
Jeffra just nods. The healing energy fades out, slow.
“Tired,” Tory murmurs. His vision blurs anew, and that cursed bird keeps singing. He squeezes his burning eyelids closed.
He waits for Jeffra to tell him she’s plenty busy without a lazy-ass dodging duty in her infirmary, but a heavy hand smooths his hair down.
“Sleep, then.”
He could, easily. He wants to, but he makes himself stand. He can’t save Sena, but he can save a lot of other Seeds today.More important than survival, Sena said.
