Page 12 of Those That Are Lost
In my desperate need to break down her barriers, I had been about to force a bond between us that we've never fully discussed. Am I on board with it? Yes. She’s my mate, I knewthat since before all the shit hit the fan. But I never wanted to form it this way.
“I’m sorry,” I blurt, running my hands up my face and through my hair.Fucking hell, I nearly made her my mate. My vampire purrs whilst my stomach lurches. “I lost control.”
“You said you wouldn’t without asking!” I hate myself as I see those barriers erecting stronger than they already were.
Red moves from the bed and starts pulling clothes from her wardrobe, yanking them onto her body. I eye my boxers discarded on the floor, snatch them up, and put them on.
“I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”Yes, you do,my brain unhelpfully adds.
Now that I’ve found her again, I’m never letting her go. Now I know she hasn’t moved on, there isn’t any other option. She will be mine in all ways.
You just went about it in the most idiotic way,I yell at my own mind. Instead of getting close, to her I just pushed her further away, back into the pain she’s been living in.
Red glares at me.
Even like this she is so fucking stunning. She stands tall now, with shoulders squared and I feel like she’s matching my height even though I tower over her.
I want to drop to my knees and beg her to not shut me out. But I can see that won’t work. She needs to come to me on her own terms.
“We didn’t agree to be mated,” she says.
“I know, I took it too far. Please Red, forgive me.” I throw every ounce of remorse I have into my words. I didn’t spend months looking for her to lose her trust like this.
I move to sit on the edge of the bed, pulling on my jeans. I stay seated, looking up at her while I wait for her to respond. Each heartbeat it takes fills me with dread.
The shadows relax around us when she finally nods andcomes to sit beside me. “I forgive you, but please don’t push for it.”
“Would it have been the worst thing?” It appears my brain and mouth are no longer connected, and I want to retract the question as soon as it’s off my tongue.
“Ty.” Red places her hand on my arm. “I’m beyond relieved that you’re alive. I want you in my life, but I don’t want to be mated.”
I think my heart stops, my world crashes to a grinding halt. I know that I fucked up a few moments ago but that sounded like a forever type of statement.
“What?” I say quietly, not sure I want her to repeat her words. My lungs feel like I’m trying to breathe underwater.
She must see the hurt of rejection on my face because her expression changes to one of sympathy. You know, the one someone wears when they know they’re about to break some bad news to you. That look they use to try and soften the blow.
“Ty, thinking you were dead nearly killed me.” She pauses to slowly draw in a breath. “Being in love with you and having to grieve you was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I can’t put myself through that again. I won’t survive it next time. If I were your mate, I know it would be a thousand times harder. I can’t go there.”
“You wouldn’t have to.” I counter.
“Really? So, we aren’t in danger. We aren’t both on the run? There’s not a pack of very angry vampires out there searching for us both? Wanting to kill or capture us both?”
She makes very valid points. However, it makes no difference in my mind. Mated, we’d be stronger. The nature of the bond would ensure that. And I could keep her safe, even if we have to hide for the rest of our lives.
“I wouldn’t allow it. I wouldn’t let them touch you again.I lo—” She springs forward, slamming a hand over my mouth before I can say those three little words.
“Don’t.” She shakes her head. “I’ve spent the last four months in a place worse than hell. Some days I’m still there, some days are still too hard. Please don’t make this harder. I can't do this right now.” She waves her hand not covering my mouth between us. “Please respect that.”
I don’t know what to say. I understand her fear. I lived the pain of the last months of separation too but when she’d kissed me back, hope had taken hold. Whilst I hadn’t planned to bite her in the way I almost did, I wouldn’t have regretted it. And I’d fully expected her to say yes if I had asked.
Something cracks inside my chest. My whole body is being taken over with a numbness I thought I’d chased away. I’d been inside her mere minutes ago, covering her with my body, our skin about as close as we can get. That’s where I belong. The itching feeling returns with a vengeance underneath my skin.
She releases my lips and leans back.
“We should get some sleep. I told my bosses I’d take the early shift tomorrow to make up for tonight, and I’m sure you’re tired. Will Henry remember how to get back here?”
“Yeah, he can look after himself.” I roll with the change in conversation, my response one I give without thought as I’m still reeling from her admission about not wanting a mate bond.
