Page 13 of Those That Are Lost
“Good. Do you mind if you both take the floor? I have some extra pillows and stuff here.” She stands and walks to the small wardrobe, pulling out extra bedding from the top shelf.
In silence, we set up a couple of makeshift sleeping areas on the small floor space. She’s careful to make sure we don’t accidentally touch as we work. She keeps the maximum distance this room allows between us.
With each passing minute, I feel the new divide cementing into place. I have no idea what I am to her now. With everything said tonight, I think she still loves me and wants me here but tonight has not gone how I had pictured at all.
I’m in freefall from finding her, completely lost at how to reach her and protect her from the darkness that’s taken root.
Hell, my fingers are still covered in her dried arousal.
Maybe some sleep will help.
As we settle down into separate beds and turn out the lights, there’s only one thing I know for certain. I’m not leaving. Now that I’ve found her, I’m not being separated from her ever again. Even if being in the same space shreds my soul because she doesn’t want to be my mate. Anything she gives will always be enough but I hate that she’s being so tortured by her own mind. I want her to be happy and free. I bring my fingers to my nose and inhale quietly, reminding me that she can let her guard down.
CHAPTER 8
AURORA
I’ve worked a few of the lunch shifts before. They’re quieter which is always harder but I normally throw myself into cleaning or restocking, managing to pass the time.
Not today.
Today the guilt refuses to be quiet. It’s eating at me like a parasite. It’s taking everything I have to move about the bar like I’m a functioning, normal barmaid.
You’ve screwed everything up, yet again.
I slam my eyes closed for a second and take a deep breath as I replace the top shelf brandy with a new bottle. My demons are a little harder to quieten down after I let them breach the surface last night.
Ty’s face appears before my closed eyelids.
He’d had me talking so easily.
It should’ve been a happy night. I should’ve been happy to have him back. But I don’t deserve it, don’t deserve him.
I’d ruined our reunion by not keeping all my shit inside. I’d let him see the darkness, and I’d seen how cut up he’d been. That’s why I know I was right to stop him last night.And he seemed as shocked as I did at the fact he almost bit me right after making me come.
If we had formed that connection would he have felt the entire abyss inside me now? Mates tended to be gifted with additional powers, some could feel their other halves, others could talk to each other mind to mind. I couldn’t put that onto him. Not when he’d been through a lot worse than I had and was clearly dealing with it much better than me. I’ve been the cause of more than enough of his pain.
Just because he’s alive, my guilt over my mistakes wasn’t deleted, wasn’t nullified. No, if anything it’s intensified with the knowledge of what he’s been through.
Everything I said to him was true. I couldn’t live if he became my mate and I lost him, I fear the pain that would put me in. However, I also couldn’t let him tie himself to me when all I do is screw things up. He’d regret it, I’m sure, once he saw how broken I am.
I should send him away. Let him get on with his life. But I know I’m not strong enough to form those words. Having tasted him again I don’t want to let go. Quite the opposite. I want to cling on for dear life. It’s selfish,I know.
Swallowing the thickness rising in my throat and picking up the cloth I was using to clean the bottles I begin polishing the lower shelves.
My emotions continue to swing like a pendulum as the bar fills with the lunch time crowd.
A crochet club meets here once a week and they occupy one of the larger booths. We’ve got several farmers in as well, with their lead hands and a few of their bookkeepers too, wrapping up their year accounts over lunches and early afternoon pints. It’s not crammed by any means, the tables about half full but it finally allows me to shove my own problems in a tight box and not think about them for a while.
I’m delivering some food to atable when I hear the doors swing open and see a tall figure enter in my peripheral vision. I finish putting the plates down and check if they need anything else before heading back to the bar. On my way I scan the room, looking to see where the newcomer has sat, I’m surprised to notice that it’s Henry.
He’s taken up residence in one of the booths at the back and has already pulled a laptop and a couple of notepads out of his satchel.
I do another scan of the room to check that the third vampire in this town hasn’t snuck into the bar but he’s definitely not here. I silently hope it stays that way until I’ve finished. I’m struggling enough right now, I don’t know if I can cope with seeing him.
Henry doesn’t even look up as I approach, he must sense my presence, however, as he speaks before I can make my voice work.
“If you’re going to ask me where he is, the answer is I don’t know.”
