Page 18 of Those That Are Lost
The shock breaks the fog in my head.What was I contemplating?
I take another quick step backwards but before I can turn, a solid warm body slams into me and arms grip around my middle.
Fangs immediately extending, I spin in their grasp ready to fight my way out of their hold.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Ty looks down at me, eyes ablaze with fire fuelled in anger and fear.
“I…” I try to answer. “I needed to come for a run.”
“Before dawn? And without waking either me or Henry?” Indeed the sun had only just risen, I’d made my way up here in the dark.
I nod, unable to use my voice. Now, in his tight grasp, looking up into his face full of concern, I can’t understand why the bottom of the valley had been so alluring.
“What were you doing on the ledge? Do you realise how fucking dangerous that is in this wind?” The concern in Ty’s voice makes me feel guilty. I can hear his racing heart, scent the spike of adrenaline in his blood. I hate myself for being the reason he’s scared. It cuts through the numbness I’d felt only a few seconds ago.
I try to answer a couple of times, get as far as parting my lips, but no words come out. My ability to speak is as locked up as my mind.
Ty pulls us further back, his hands never leaving their tight grip on my waist. He drags me until we’re pushed up against the rock face on the other side of the path, several metres from the edge.
One of his hands moves, but isn’t off me for long. His index finger and thumb trace my jaw as his fingers come to my neck. The middle one pressing a little deeper than the others. He’s feeling my pulse. No doubt he can hear my bloodrushing round my system, but he seems to relax the smallest amount at having my artery under the pad of his finger.
I place my own hands on the cold rock behind him. My arms bracket his body, but I don’t deserve to touch him right now.
“You know you can talk to me, Red. I want you to talk to me,” he coaxes gently.
“I can’t,” I manage to croak with a lot of determination.
“I could see your face, you know, as I was coming up the pathway. I…” He takes a deep inhale of my scent. “Were you contemplating jumping?”
I want to deny it, fervently tell him he’s being ridiculous. Of course I wasn’t. But I can’t lie to him.
Tears creep down my cheeks as I give the barest of nods.
Ty doesn’t move, doesn’t react except for his eyes becoming the deepest blue and the shadows swirling at our feet close in a little more.
“I don’t think I was actually going to do it.” My voice rushes back. I pause to take a staggered inhale. “It’s tempting sometimes, my brain makes it seem like a good idea. I can control it though.”
“Red…” Ty’s gaze bores down on me. His eyes dart between mine, as if he’s searching for a lie. “How often do you feel like this?”
I stay silent, focusing on his face but locking all my emotions out. I don’t want him to see how broken I am. I brought this on myself, I will deal with it. Somehow.
“Sweetheart, please let me in.” The plea in his voice batters against my resolve. His thumb, the one at my jaw, gently strokes the tears away. “I never would’ve forced you to leave if I knew it would harm you so thoroughly. You know the voice, the one making you think these things, is not telling you the truth, right?”
“I know,” I tell him on a shaking breath. The rational sideof my head knows this isn’t normal. “It's just sometimes hard to ignore.”
“You must.” Those sparkling blue eyes swim in front of mine, his pain and longing too hard for him to hide. Or maybe he’s not trying to hide it. “Red, you’ve been through a lot of trauma. But you don’t have to go through it alone anymore. I swear to you I’m never leaving your side again. You can lean on me, talk to me, let me help you.”
“How?” He’s not inside my head, he can’t see the full extent of the darkness, and I don’t want him too. I want to shield him from that. He’s been through enough too.
“Promise me to not take off by yourself. Even if you take Henry with you, I want one of us with you at all times. I’m going to prove to you that you can trust me, trust us again. I won’t lose you now Red. I can’t lose you.”
He pulls me deeper into his chest and I feel him touch his lips to the top of my head. I want so badly to trust him, trust his words. But I still feel the impenetrable wall between us, the one I’ve built. It takes conscious effort but I allow myself to fold my arms around him and return the hug, although instead of solely feeling the comfort of his embrace, it feels like I might have just clutched a life line.
I don’t knowhow long we stay on the mountain pass, but the sun is as high in the sky as it gets now that winter is coming.
Ty had interlocked our fingers and hadn't let go for the whole walk back to town. I was several miles out, so it took a while. The buildings come into view as we round the final corner, although we are still high enough that they look like toys from our viewpoint. All white walls and a mix of burnt red and moss green roofs.
“Are you hungry?” Ty asks. The conversation felt forcedat first, but we’ve been talking the rest of the way with ease, keeping the topics light and distracting.
