Page 37 of Those That Are Lost
“Sure about that?”
“Yes,” I repeat, firmer this time. “We talked a bit about me not changing my mind on the whole mates thing.” I pause to take a breath, feeling the familiar chest tightening sensation as my breathing becomes unsteady. “He said it was fine but Ifeel like it’s not. I know that he wants to be and I—” I cut myself off as my heart lurches painfully and I struggle to draw any oxygen into my lungs.
“Breathe, Aurora,” Henry instructs, then pauses to take a few deep breaths himself, releasing them slowly. I automatically try to mimic the action, knowing he’s trying to calm me down. After a minute, the fuzziness in my head clears and I am more in control once more.
“Are you really sure about the whole mate thing?” He doesn’t acknowledge the near panic attack or that he helped me curb it before it went full blown. He calmly carries on the conversation like this is normal. It helps me disperse the anxious buzzing in my limbs further.
“Yes,” I answer automatically. “I feel so selfish but I can’t take the risk. If I do it and one of us dies… I can’t… not whilst we’re in so much danger. And I won’t be good enough for him, I have no clue what I’m doing. I can’t be a mate, you’re supposed to be equals, leaders. I get panic attacks from my dreams.” The words spew out of me like vomit, I can’t stop them. “I’m so damaged and so broken. Ty doesn’t deserve to be bound to someone like me. But I can’t let him go. I know I’m being hot and cold but I can’t stop myself. I’m toxic and he should just leave.”
Henry shuffles on his haunches, moving his weight from one side to the other. I wonder if the movement is hard on his prosthetic but he doesn’t change positions. “Rory, have you talked to him about any of this?”
“Some. He… er… he found me on a ledge on a mountain trail before we left Wintica.”
Henry’s face pales slightly at that admission. I thought Ty would’ve told him everything but maybe he hasn’t revealed my darkest side.
“You want my honest opinion?” he asks, not delving deeper into my admission to my relief.
“Yes.” I nod, bracing myself, not sure what words I wish for him to say.
“You’ve both been through hell. You’re still in a really dangerous situation. But it’s clear by how possessive you are of each other that you want to be together. So, be together. I’m not talking about becoming mates. Take that pressure off. Just allow yourself to feel whatever it is you’re clearly feeling for him and see how it goes. Burying those feelings, or ignoring them, is going to only cause you both to suffer.”
“But what about Adicious, and the others? Ty said there are males that would literally fight over me if other packs find out that I exist.”
“And he’s right, to an extent. But we’re currently hiding on a remote island, with strict laws, under a treaty, and surrounded by a huge pack of wolf shifters who aren’t going to tell anyone. Adicious isn’t going to broadcast your existence either because he wants you for himself. There’s time.”
I sit for a minute, trying to process Henry’s suggestion. My thoughts are so locked up in what ifs and maybes that I don’t know how to access my true feelings anymore. To let my heart be the one I listen to.
“And as for all the other stuff,” Henry continues. “It’s called PTSD, and by the sounds of things, you have strong intrusive thoughts with it. Are you aware of those conditions?”
“Yes, I know what they are. And I know those thoughts aren’t my own but it’s hard not to feel them, not to listen to them sometimes.”
“I’m glad you can recognise that, sometimes that can be half the battle. I hope you know too, that it can be worked on. You can overcome it or at least learn coping mechanisms to minimise it.”
“I know, but I can hardly go to therapy, can I?”
“No.” Henry gives me a small sad smile. “But talkinghelps. Talk to me anytime, okay? And talk to Ty. I wish you’d seen just how cut up he was before we found you. He was a mess. And even though things have been complicated, I can see how much he loves you. I bet you can’t see how much you are bringing him back to himself too.”
“What do you mean?” All I seem to bring is heartache.
“I knew Ty only a few years before he lost his family. He worshipped them, and the pack he was born to run one day. They were every reason behind why he fought in the war. They were his everything. Every time I’ve met him since he lost them, he’s been a ghost. He didn’t want anything, there was no spark to him. He was just existing. As soon as he barged into my apartment looking for you, I was reminded of how he was during our training. How much passion he has and how driven he can be to fight for what he wants.”
Henry’s told me this before but not quite in the same way. All this new information is crashing around my head and I can feel it unlocking something I have been trying to break down since Ty returned to my life.
“I want to try.” It comes out as a whimper, but I mean it. I know I’ve never stopped loving Ty, I don’t think it's possible. I’d prayed for him to come back every single day when I thought he was dead. I’d nearly convinced myself that I could join him in the afterlife on some of those days.
Since he found me, the darkness that has taken hold has twisted, its roots having sunk deep. I don’t want it anymore. It was a reassuring presence before, allowing me to cope, but now it’s what’s chaining me from moving forward.
“Good.” Henry stands slowly and takes my hand forcing me to my feet with him. “After everything you’ve been through, you deserve some happiness, Rory.”
“Thank you.” I look up at him towering over me with his giant frame and blink back the tears welling in my eyes.
“Anytime.” He pulls me into a hug and I hesitate for a second before wrapping my arms around his trim waist.
As I pull away and wipe my face of the tears, I catch sight of his desk. There looks like hundreds of pieces of paper strewn over it and his laptop lays open.
“Are you still working on that article?” I inquire, curiosity peaked and willing to move onto a lighter subject. I wander over to the desk to take a closer look.
“No, it's a side project. My publisher is starting to sweat so I’ve been trying to get some writing done.”
