Page 57 of Those That Are Lost
That makes his head swing to me. His eyes ablaze with longing, shining bright against his tanned skin.
“If you make me answer that, I might break whatever fragile thing we seem to have here. Don’t make me do that.” It's a plea, and it makes my heart beat with such a pained thump my breath stutters. I turn so I’m facing him more, bending my left leg up under me and leaving the right hanging over the edge of the cliff. I slowly reach forward and place my right hand to his thigh.
He flinches like I’ve burned him. I quickly retract my fingers.
“I want to know. I can see you’re hurting. You won’t break anything.” I try to reassure him.
“Really?” he asks on a wet laugh, like he’s holding back tears. “So, it wouldn’t change anything if I told you that I’m so consumed by how much I love you that I contemplated killing Henry tonight? Would you not pull away if you knew that seeing you drink from him split me into shreds because of the tiny fragment of a chance that it could bond you to him in some way? How about the thought of you being with anyone makes me want to claw my own skin off and rip my heart out of my chest because you’re mine and Ifeel like I don’t know how to make you see that I’m yours too?”
Every word hits me like a rock. Blunt. Hard. Bruising.
I close my eyes against the onslaught. That feeling I had earlier. It’s back tenfold. It’s crushing, making my breaths shallow and rapid. I force my lungs to take a long inhale as I allow myself to feel, really feel.
I’d squashed it, buried it, locked it away tight. It had never disappeared, I was aware of that, but I have been keeping the depth of my feelings for this male in front of me at arm's length. Even through all our nights of talking, our relationship was the one topic we both avoided.
“Ty,” I whisper. I pray.
“I’m sorry, okay?” Ty says, facing the view once more. “I’ve managed to keep it in check most of the time. I know you’re not ready. And if you’re never ready I’ll try to understand. But tonight was just too much. Seeing you drink from him was too much.”
I try to wrap my head around his words but I can’t comprehend them.
“If you want to be with someone else…” He trails off before swallowing. “I think I need you to tell me now so I can leave.”
Leave?
“I’m sure Henry will protect you until you decide where you want to go.”
Henry?
“Ty.” I put my hand back on his thigh. This time not removing it when he tenses.
“Red, I’m begging you here. I’m barely in control and having you touch me right now is testing me to my limits.” His own fingers dig into the rock under his hands. I can’t stand to see him in this much agony over me. What have I been doing to him whilst I’ve been shutting him out?
I’ve been protecting myself but shredding him.
No more.
“I’m sorry,” I choke out, throat clogged with devastating realisation. “I didn’t know. I didn’t want to make you feel like this.”
He shakes his head. “No, it’s not on you.”
“Yes. It is. And I’m so, so sorry. I’ve been keeping you close but not letting you in. I thought I had been communicating but I wasn’t. Telling you I wasn’t ready wasn’t fair.”
“Wasn’t it the truth?”
“Yes. But I should’ve told you the other truth too.”
“Other truth?” Ty turns to me once more and I see the hope in his features. I also see the steely shield braced for rejection.
“I never stopped loving you. With every single cell of my body, it never went away, I wouldn’t know how.” The words unlock the last recesses of my mind. It all comes crashing out, and I know what I need to do. What I should’ve done when he first found me.
Ty’s face shifts to wary. The hope grows but he doesn’t trust my words.
“Did you know that I got the nose piercing because the stone reminded me of your eyes?” I tell him, building up to what I really want to show him.
“No, you didn’t tell me.”
“I thought you might’ve guessed.” I offer him a small smile, hoping to pull him back to me. “It was the first thing I did to keep you with me when I was missing you so badly I thought my body might give up from the aching.”
