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THE PAIN NEVER GETSbetter, but the times of darkness are less frequent. Sometimes I almost manage to open my eyes, but I never quite get there. It needs more energy than I have.
My body is burning alive, dying while I’m still living inside it.
I want to die.
Please, let me die.
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SLOWLY, I BEGIN TOdistinguish between the different kinds of pain. The one in my right arm is a deep ache while the one in my chest is like lightning ramming into my heart every few seconds. The pain in my head is pounding, a ticking that drives me crazy in its predictability.
Have I turned into the bomb? Is the timer inside of me?
I gratefully sink into the blackness whenever it comes, hoping that it will take me away forever.
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THE FIRST TIME I OPENmy eyes, I can’t see.
I close them again before I find out if it’s because the room is dark or because I’m blind.
It takes me a long time before I try again. There’s no way to measure time, locked as I am within my body, but it’s at least two periods of unconsciousness.
I proceed cautiously, blinking once, twice, willing myself to see.
Again, everything is black. No light at all. This isn’t just a dark room.
I’m blind.
“Louise?”
I’m not sure who is asking, his voice is distorted somehow. Like bits of it are missing.
I don’t reply, I don’t know how to. Instead, I let the blackness take me, hoping that it’s all just a dream.
The tubes in my throat have been removed and my hearing is slowly improving. I can tell my guys apart when they’re talking to each other, or to me. They talk to me a lot. Telling me stories, letting me know what’s going on, trying to make jokes. Most of it doesn’t make sense though.
I listen and try to imagine that it’s not real. That I can die. That I wouldn’t be leaving them behind.
It takes a lot longer for the pain to get less. It doesn’t disappear, but it’s no longer so intense. I can think more coherent now and stay awake for longer. I don’t open my eyes again though. I don’t make a sound either. I just lie there and listen to my men. It makes me happy to know that they’re all there and alive.
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IWAKE UP, FROM SLEEP, not from unconsciousness. It’s a nice change to know that I was able to sleep. Something is different. A new sound close to me.
It takes me far longer than it should to figure out what’s changed.
Someone is breathing next to me. I concentrate on my body, breaking down the brick walls I’ve erected inside of my mind to protect myself from the pain.
It hurts like hell but a new sensation washes over me at the same time. Touch. Someone is touching me. One of the guys is in my bed. He’s not hugging me like they usually would, but just lying next to me, his shoulder touching mine, my hip pressed against his chest.
I want to reach out and show him that I’m awake, but I still can’t move.
So instead, I make the first sound that isn’t a half-conscious moan.
“Hello.”
It comes out as a barely audible croak, but the body next to me immediately stiffens, then shifts.
