Page 29 of Polar Destiny
Arnold
The kindness of what are effectively strangers makes me tear up. How do I deserve them looking after me likethis?
Just below, someone else has scrawled a quickmessage.
No, you’re not turning into a bear. Read the book. It’s just the bond making itself known. It needs to be completed soon.B.
Now, that’s kind of ominous. And scary. And all sorts of otherthings.
Torben mentioned a bond before I ran away. Something about him thinking it would only be a mental bond rather than a physical one. Guess with physical he means the claws. I check my fingers to make sure they haven't reappeared, but thankfully, my fingernails are looking very human. There's dried blood around them though. Again. I must have had the claws out while I was sleeping. I really need to learn how to control them. It's definitely tied to emotions, but how the heck am I supposed to repress them when I'm asleep? I don't want to wake up after a nightmare with bloody scratches all over mybody.
I should probably eat something, but even just looking at the sandwich makes my stomach roil. Maybe I'm getting ill? I'm feeling cold and achy all over. Maybe running around barefoot in the snow wasn't such a good idea afterall.
I open the book and inhale the scent of old dusty paper. There weren't many books on Salvation Island, but the few we did have, I devoured. Reading was my refuge when everything else seemedbleak.
The font is old-fashioned and full of little flourishes. They make it pretty but also a lot harder to read. I rub my eyes and focus on the table of contents.The Birth of the Bears... Plants and Potions... The Great Ursine War... Dealing with Cubs... It seems this book is a collection of articles and essays by several writers, all dealing with aspects of bear shifterlife.
Arnold mentioned chapter eleven.The Mating Call. That sounds very animalistic somehow, not very human. But I've now learned the hard way that my...ehm,thebears are nothing like normal humans. They are feral and driven by their instincts. Had Torben been human, he would likely not have done what he did. Or maybe he would have. Who knows. Right now, I feel like I don't know the guys atall.
I flip to chapter eleven. A few stains mark the first page and notes have been scribbled in the margins. Someone has read this chapterextensively.
Trying to decipher the old writing and language, I read the first few pages, my eyes widening with every sentence. What. The. Fuck. This can't be real. This isn't happening. Not to me. Please not tome.
At some point, I can't go on. I'm raging. Torben will suffer for this. He's not only destroyed my life, he's also gone against the laws of the bears. I'm not sure if he knows that, but I assume so. He may be looking for answers about their heritage, but that doesn't mean he has no clue about bear life. Bearmating.
I jump out of bed and run outside. I need air. This is too much. I don't want it. Can't take it. I just want to rewind time and keep things as they were. Maybe I should have stayed with my uncle. Maybe the marriage wouldn't have been that bad. Not as bad as ...this.
Torben has killed me. I'mdying.
Nothing justifies that. No matter what arguments he will produce, I'm done with him. With all ofthem.
I start running, the freezing snow hurting the soles of my feet. All warmth has left me and now I know why. My body is shutting down. I've got a few more days, at most. Then I'll die, alone. if I was desperate, I'd return to Arnold and Bertrand, just to die with other people around me. But I can't. I need to do this on my own. The bears will force me to survive, and I can't do that. I won't give in. Iwon't.
I stumble over something hidden beneath the snow and fall down, icy crystals cutting into my exposed skin. I stay in that position. Maybe lying in the snow will make it quicker. I remember how it felt when I was hypothermic on the ice, before I met the bears. I was peaceful. Dreamy. If those dogs hadn't made me panic, I would have likely stayed and frozen todeath.
The book didn't say much about how I'll die, but I imagine dying from cold might be nicer. I chuckle mirthlessly. I'm debating how I want to die. How sad isthat.
I draw my knees close to my chest, making myself comfortable in the snow. It's not as soft as it could be, but it'll do. It won't be long anyway. My body is weak already and I can feel the cold seeping into my bones. I'm shivering all over, but I know that at some stage, it will stop. I'll just have to get through that firstphase.
I think of the bears, probably cosy somewhere in their new home. Bah, I shouldn't be thinking of them. They're not worth my last thoughts. Instead, I try to remember my parents. I was young when they died, and most of my memories are smells and feelings, not pictures. They drowned, trapped in their house when a tsunami hit. I was with my uncle and aunt when it happened, spending time on their farm. My parents wanted me to be around animals and nature for a week, but they had to work, so it was just me at my uncle's house. They both worked at the hospital and the wards were already overcrowded with the victims of the last tsunami. They happened regularly back then, but none had been as bad as the one that killed them. Before, there had been more warnings. Not that time. They never had a chance to go to higherground.
Tears are pooling in my eyes. I don't think of my parents often. Knowing that I could have had a normal life instead of growing up with my uncle made me mad. Not sad. Angry. I never considered myself to be an angry person, but now that I think of it, I see that I have been angry most of mylife.
Guess it's true what they say. You think back over your life when you die. Not that I'm seeing images flash before my eyes or anything like that. Ijust...
I close my eyes and let my mind drift. Thinking is getting difficult. It won't be longnow.
* * *
Something wetand warm bumps against my cheek. I ignore it. I couldn't move even if I wanted to. I'm frozen, a part of the landscape. My eyes are glued shut, but for some reason, my mind is suddenly wide awake. Something isdifferent.
My thoughts are... It's like the feeling of being watched, but inside my head. Like someone else is reading my thoughts. But that can't be. Magic isn'treal.
Bearsaremagic.
Yes, maybe, but not that kind of magic. They may be able to shift, but that's a physical thing, notlike-
What? Am I talking to myselfnow?
