Page 25 of Winter Queen
“No, I wasn’t. You weren’t ready, I was…”
“It’s not all about you!” he suddenly shouts. “You don’t get to decide when I’m ready. You don’t get to apologise for something that isn’t your fault!”
He still isn’t looking at me, but that doesn’t stop me from staring at him in confusion. What is he trying to say? That I’m self-obsessed? Selfish? Not caring about others? Whatever it is, it hurts.
Questions are running through my mind, but I’m too scared of his reaction to ask them. I don’t want to hurt him even more. I’ve done enough already.
“You’ll hate me,” he mutters into the silence. “When you read it, you’ll hate me.”
“I could never hate you, Crispin,” I whisper, still fighting against the urge to touch him. “I saw how she made you do things, you showed me.”
“I didn’t show you everything,” he says bitterly. “You didn’t see the worst of it. I don’t deserve to be here. I should be rotting in a dungeon below the Palace, not sitting at the top of a tower with the heiress to the Winter throne.”
He’s confusing me. So he’s not actually angry at me for cracking his skull? He’s been avoiding me because he’s drowning in self-doubt? I didn’t expect that.
“Well, then I should be in the dungeon with you for attempted murder,” I say, trying to make my voice jovial and light.
He doesn’t smile though. “That was an accident. It could have happened to anyone.”
“Ehm, no, it couldn’t. How many Demigoddesses with weird powers do you know who’ve been addicted to unicorn sparklies?”
This time, his lips twitch a little. “True, you’re unique. Do you still feel the urge to seek out Blaze?”
He’s switched to his healer persona, but I’m letting him do that if it makes things easier for him.
“No, being in the Library cured that.”
Finally, he turns to me with a look of curiosity.
“You went to the Library of Lives again?”
Of course, I forgot he wasn’t there when I told the other three.
“Yes, but it was different this time.” I give him a quick roundup of what happened, how I got to see my mother’s book, how I decided to come back to this life.
“Do you think the Morrigan has a book there?” I suddenly ask when I’ve finished my tale.
“Yes, everybody has.”
“Could we look at it? See what her plans are? Learn more about her past, perhaps, find something that will help us predict how she’ll act?”
“It’s a good idea, but the Library is a neutral place.” Crispin sighs. “In times of war, neither party are allowed to look at the books of people on the other side. We wouldn’t even be able to read one of her soldiers’ books. It’s frustrating, but it makes sense. Otherwise, the Library would become a target.”
Pity. Just when I thought I’d found a new way to fight the Morrigan, it turns out other people have thought of that before. Figures. I’m new to all this, I’m not going to reinvent the wheel.
“I’m glad you came back,” he says, as if that had ever been in question.
“Of course. I have things to do. And people I love.”
I put a lot of emphasis on that last word, to make sure he knows that he’s included in that.
And to be even more thorough, I finally put an arm around his shoulders and pull him closer. I’ve missed his touch, his scent.
“You should read what I gave Tamara,” he says though and gently moves out of my embrace. “Come find me after if you still want to talk to me.”
He gets up and jumps off the tower.
Moments later, he reappears, his golden wings fully unfolded, glistening in the sunlight. He does a loop and then disappears out of sight, leaving me with an empty feeling deep within my heart.
