Page 26 of Winter Queen

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“You don’t haveto read this,” Tamara tells me with a worried frown. “I’ve started making notes of the most important points and will present them at tomorrow’s Council meeting.”

I shake my head. “No, I need to do this. I’ve already seen Crispin’s memories. How much worse can reading this be?”

With a gentle nod, she leaves me to it.

It turns out, a lot worse.

It’s as if his voice is speaking in my head, telling me of all the suffering he went through. I can’t switch off this inner monologue, and it makes it even more heartbreaking.

He killed children.

He tortured people for weeks.

He assassinated dozens of Guardians.

And worst of all, he slept with the Morrigan.

That’s what finally makes my tears flow, after holding them back for a long time.

The Morrigan forced herself on him. It’s clear from his words that he didn’t want it. He doesn’t say it, but I know that it was rape. She had him under her control and she took advantage of him.

When I’ve finished reading, I stumble off the chair and sit down on the floor in a corner. I need to think. I somehow need to work through this. There are so many emotions fighting in my chest, and I’m feeling bad because if this is how strong my reaction is to this, how much worse did Crispin feel while writing it all down?

I forced him to. He followed my commands, just like he was expected to.

I made him relive all the torture and violence, both what he received and what he did to others. I can’t imagine him doing any of these things though. He was another person back then. Someone created to do terrible deeds. What’s important is that he managed to fight it all and become a good person. Someone walking in the light, not in the dark the Morrigan created him in.

“Wyn?”

Frost enters the room and looks at me strangely when he notices me sitting in a corner.

“What’s wrong? I felt your distress.”

Did I accidentally use the bond? Or is this a new development?

“Crispin,” I say simply and hold up the bunch of papers I’ve been reading.

“Oh. We told him not to write it. He knew that you weren’t yourself when you ordered him to. But he said he wanted to do it anyway. There was no stopping him.”

He sits down by my side and pulls me close. I melt into his touch, enjoying the warmth and comfort he’s immediately giving me.

“Do you want me to read it so we can talk about it?” he asks but I shake my head.

“No, I don’t think he would want that. I know why he wrote it, there is a lot of information in there that will help us. Tamara is going to compile a report by tomorrow. But her and I should be the only people reading it.”

“Alright, but you know I’ll be here if you want to talk about it.”

I smile at him and cuddle against him. “I know. Thanks for being here.”

His sea breeze scent slowly pulls me out of the dark feelings hammering in my chest.

“Do you want to kiss?” he asks.

“That’s a very strange thing to ask. Are we back at primary school?”

He laughs. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted that right now. I don’t want to intrude.”