Page 11 of Alien Abduction for Beginners
"What's the next step?" she asked, her voice wavering a little.
Havel grinned, happy to have reached his favourite subject. "Probing."
Havel
She stared at me as if I was the alien. Something to inspect and examine and then put into a display case. I didn't think she'd fully comprehended that this was real. It wasn't a joke and it didn't have anything to do with her scooter. Not that I understood what all that was about. We'd found her next to a crashed vehicle, but I didn't know why anyone would dress up as aliens as a result of that happening. Humans were strange.
"Probing?" she asked in a high-pitched voice.
I nodded, smiling in anticipation of something I'd looked forward to ever since I'd seen the module in the IGU course description.
"It's an important part of any alien abduction," I explained. "Abductees expect to be probed. If you look at human reports of abductions, most of them report probing, so we wouldn't want to disappoint you."
"Disappoint me?" she screeched. I didn't know female voices could go that high. It actually hurt my sensitive ears.
"Exactly. We know you want to be probed and I'll do my best to make it all you've ever imagined."
Her eyes grew even wider. It had to be a human way to show excitement.
"What kind of probing would you prefer?" I asked pleasantly. "In our lectures, they've taught us various methods but since it's the first time for both of us, I thought you should choose."
"What kinds are there?"
I grinned, satisfied that she was interested. "It all starts with the basic exam. Taking blood, measuring your body weight and size, counting your teeth, cutting off some of your mane for analysis, and so on. I have to admit that I've already completed most of that while I tended to your injuries. It was essential to be able to give you the best treatment possible, but I apologise. We can redo those things if you'd like."
Her lips parted but she didn't reply, so I continued. "The basic examination is usually followed by the actual probing. I can insert probes into your various orifices to look at your insides. I've read humans quite like anal probing, but as I said, it's your choice. I've prepared several different instruments to make it as pleasant for you as possible. What do you think about anal probing?"
The female coughed. I frowned, immediately worried that I'd overlooked an injury, but a quick look at my med scanner showed me that her lungs were intact. Maybe it was because we still hadn't given her that magical water humans required.
I rushed to the fabricator. I'd already programmed the chemical formula for water, so it took only seconds for a glass of liquid to appear in front of me. I offered it to the female and she grabbed it, downing it in one go.
"That wasn't poison, was it?" she asked as soon as she'd set down the glass. "Although, I guess that would be better than probing."
"No poisons, but I'm sure I could find some hallucinogens for you," I offered. "Or maybe some sedatives to make the probing even more comfortable."
"You mentioned lectures," she muttered. "What do you mean?"
"We're taking a course in alien abduction," Xil explained before I could. "We wanted to make sure that this abduction goes as smoothly as possible for everyone involved."
He didn't mention our previous failures.
"This is real? I'm really in an alien spaceship?"
Finally. I nodded. "Yes, you are. Should we repeat our introductory talk?"
"No, it's fine." She gulped visibly and I couldn't resist checking the med scanners once again to make sure her throat was alright. Maybe she'd had too much of that oxygen-hydrogen liquid. I'd have to do some more research into how much of it was safe for humans.
"Now that we've established this is real, could we progress to the probing?" Matar asked impatiently. "I've been looking forward to this too."
The female shook her head. "No probing."
"But it's part of the process," Xil argued. "There's no way around it. We may fail our assignment if we don't do it."
She made a strange noise that was somewhere between a cough and a laugh. "You're getting graded on this?"
"We are," I confirmed. "But don't worry, we've had excellent grades in the modules leading up to this. We're top of the class."
"Thank goodness for that."
