Page 17 of Alien Abduction for Beginners
Give her a plant(note to self: research what colours she likes)
Sing to her while she's a floor above from you(does it work if she's in the same room?)
Write love letters (are comms acceptable or do we have to procure real paper?)
Sit next to her while someone else plays a string instrument(may be difficult to find a musician; research if recorded music or a live stream of a musician is acceptable)
Have food together and have a fire burning instead of normal lights
Give her lots of boxes full of tiny food pieces
Wear lacy undergarments
Write poetry(note to self: find a poetry generator)
Send yourself(not sure what is meant by this, more research needed)
Watch recordings of other couples
Smile a lot and swirl your moustache(should we get fake facial hair?)
Hold her hand as often as possible
Xil looked over my shoulder.
"That's a great list," he muttered. "You really did your research."
It made me feel surprisingly good to hear that from him. It wasn't that I didn't feel appreciated on this ship, but this was something unfamiliar and I had never expected to be good at it.
"I don't quite get the bit about lacy undergarments," Xil said thoughtfully. "What does lacy mean?"
"Fabric full of holes," I supplied, glad I'd looked that up a few days ago. "It should be easy to replicate."
"I don't wear undergarments. Do you think it's essential?"
"It came up again and again," I sighed. "I'm not happy about it either, but humans seem to see this as an essential seduction strategy. They call it lingerie, I believe. We could even cut up some of our uniform trousers. I don't think it matters as long as there are lots of holes."
"Enough holes for our dicks to be seen?"
"Exactly. I think it's supposed to be a teasing thing, where she can see our assets but would still have to undress us."
Xil licked his lips. "That does sound tempting, now that you say it like that. But that's probably for later, we should start with something where we're fully clothed. I wouldn't want to overwhelm her." He tapped on his comms, then looked at me triumphantly. "I've locked her door, so now she can't exit her room without one of us opening the door for her. That should be a great start to our seduction."
I nodded. "Great thinking. Let's put the door opening in first place. I suppose she might be hungry when she wakes up, so we can give her tiny food pieces next. For some reason, humans eat them out of a box rather than from a plate, but the fabricator should be able to replicate that. What next?"
"We'll have to wait until we arrive at the space station before we can get her a flower or a string instrument. I won't allow open fire on this ship so we can't do that until we're back on Kardar. We could write her letters though, maybe even now while she's asleep, and then she can read them when she wakes. I bet Havel could even come up with some poetry."
Xil raised his eyebrows. "Havel? Poetry? You're kidding."
"If not, we can probably find a way to generate some simple poetry. Or we'll look in a human book for something some human male has written in the past. I doubt she'll know every human book by heart, so she'll never notice. Especially if we use a really old book."
"Good idea. We can also do the singing from a floor below, but we have to plan that so that one of us is with her to see her reaction. Maybe two of us can sing so it's loud enough to penetrate the walls."
I rubbed my tail, a clear sign that I was getting nervous. "Why do you think we have to sing in another room? Do humans not like it when they see someone else sing? Does it destroy the attraction?"
"You were the one who put it on the list, I'd never heard of it," Xil admitted. "I could sing a drinking song, or maybe a lullaby my mother-"
"Drinking song," I interrupted. We didn't want her to go to sleep. We wanted to mate with her and it was essential that she was awake during that. I wanted to hear her make those sweet sounds again, where she sounded like she was in a happy sort of pain. Pleasant distress.
