Page 64 of Wild Child
"I came back," she said with finality and a little relief. "Started back at the Frolicking Moose. Hired on at the Outfitters. Eventually cobbled together the idea of guiding and working outdoors. It was much easier here. Much . . . safer."
"And you like it? Guiding?"
She laughed. Despite our circumstances, there was real levity there. "Not sure anymore." She hedged for a second, then added, "I don't really know. Being outside is great. Gettingpaidto be outside is great. But . . ."
"It's not what you thought?"
"No."
A real sense of defeat lingered in her words. I slipped around a tree stump in a cluster of rocks while she gathered the words in her head. The easy flow of her responses and lack of hesitation was like a balm. Ellie wasn't holding back out of mistrust this time. That felt like a step forward.
"It just . . . hasn’t been as fulfilling as I expected,” she finally said. “I mean, this is my first overnight guide, so that’s probably not a fair measurement. The day hikes were fun. Just not . . .”
“Not what you thought?”
“Right.”
"What are you hoping to get from it?"
"I don't know," she said quietly. "Maybe something I used to have."
The words rang with something else, but I couldn't puzzle together what she meant. Not with the low pulse of a headache through my neck and my thoughts cluttered with men that tried to hurt her. Men I should have been there to protect her from. But that wasn't realistic. We’d been together for days now and I hadn’t been able to protect her from these men. Our current circumstance was proof enough.
"I'm jealous."
Her head lifted up. "What?" she asked.
"I'm jealous," I said easily. "I'm jealous of all the people that came into your life that spent time with you. Time I didn't get. It's . . . weird that you have all these experiences I wasn't a part of. That was hard when I left. Knowing we'd have parts of our life that we didn't share."
To my surprise, a quick smile lifted her lips. "I know the feeling."
"Yeah?"
She nodded, her hair waving around her shoulders. I wanted to reach out, take a fistful of it into my hands, and lay a kiss on the lips I'd studied every day of my life from the time I was a kid. The moment I met Ellie was the moment I fell in love with her.
"It . . . it seemed so weird that you'd be in the world without me," she said. "I didn't know how to say it, but it does feel like jealousy."
"Did you date?"
The question rushed out of me. If I'd known it lingered there in the shadows, I wouldn't have let it free. But once it came out, relief followed. Ellie snorted again, but something like a wall had appeared in her eyes.
"Not really. A few dates, but no serious boyfriend."
"Couldn't find anyone?"
She shrugged. I glanced to the right and then behind us, feeling an obsessive pull to be certain we were alone. No signs of others lingered, so I motioned forward again. With the mostly clear ground, we moved quickly. Hilltops built up behind us as we angled down the mountain. Once we moved closer to the popular Red Lake, we'd grapple with what came next. For now, I felt content just to be with her.
"How about you?" she asked and pulled me out of my thoughts.
"Me, dating?"
She nodded, her lips pursed together. Her gaze remained ahead as she picked a path for us through the pines and brush.
"Nah. Too busy. Went on one or two dates but wasn't really interested."
"Oh."
She kept her gaze ahead. Did I see new tension in her body? Was there a glimmer of hope for us after all? If Ellie had any sign of jealousy, maybe it meant something else. Then again, maybe it didn't.
