Page 103 of Smoke and Fire
"Yeah."
The lame word left an awkward silence between us. Unable to bear it I said, "Listen, about yesterday—"
Just as she said, "I'm sorry I pushed you too hard."
Dahlia rolled her lips together, giggled, and let out a long breath. "Let's start over. You first."
The tension broke between us, but I still felt it building inside. Here was my chance to make things right, but I wasn't really sure where I'd gone wrong. Or if I had. Or if I wanted it to be right after all. Things had been simpler before Dahlia shone light into my world. Before I willingly plunged her into it.
"I have no idea what to say, Dahlia."
Her curious expression softened. "Oh."
I lifted my hands in a helpless gesture. "I totally chickened out yesterday. I was excited to see you again, but I couldn't bring myself to visit after all I'd revealed to you the day before.
“I’d just spoken to my sister's hospice nurse, who was telling me about how they'd make her comfortable because she's dying. Also visited my father who is dying, but not really. I've never introduced my family to anyone before. Not when they’ve been unhealthy and . . . not themselves. I . . . I do things myself. I get them done. I don't invite other people into my world. So you . . . I couldn't . . . it all just . . . piled up."
Dahlia blinked. She didn't register utter terror on her face yet, so I took it as a good sign and kept going.
"I don't know the right thing to say. But I do want to say that I'm sorry. I should have come over to see you because it's what I wanted to do. Instead, I chickened out. Also, I struggle with anxiety and it’s been so much worse since I met you. I'm in my head about all these things all the time, and women only make it worse. The ones that matter, anyway. I've been a mess since the moment I met you."
Another giggle peeped out of her. I stared at her, incredulous.
"I'm sorry," she whispered and put a hand on my arm. "I'm not laughing at you. Those are . . . those are just the most romantic words I've ever heard.You give me anxiety."
Stated that way, they sounded utterly and completely ridiculous. They weren't wrong either, which only made it more funny. The warmth in her voice softened my fear, however, and I felt myself smile.
"It's true," I muttered.
She put a hand to her chest.
"I'm honored."
The sound of Mark talking to a horse came seconds before thethudof hooves followed. In the haze, Mark headed toward my truck and the horse trailer attached, one horse towed behind him. Dahlia held up a hand to me, then darted away. I closed my eyes, grateful for a moment to rally my thoughts back together.
Expecting a blast of self loathing for mucking things upagain, I braced myself for the worst thoughts to follow. Then I blinked myself back to the moment when it didn't happen. In fact, right now I felt pretty good.
The things I'd wanted to admit about myself were finally out. Not having them locked inside removed the pressure. Which was just . . . stupid easy. Now the only things that remained were questions about her.
Was Jakob still around?
Did shewant me?
Minutes passed. The sound of scuffling, a whinny of protest, and a few soothing words from Mark later, Dahlia reappeared.
Mark jogged away, back toward the lake. Dahlia stopped in front of me with a little cough. Wind made her hair dance around her shoulders. The blasts of air felt coarse and abrasive and too strong. She played with the bottom of a lock of hair as she reapproached. She blinked several times, her eyes no doubt irritated by the smoky air. She cleared her throat, and a semblance of the same awkwardness returned. In it, I fully comprehended that I had just told her she gave me anxiety.
Real smooth.
"You were saying?" she murmured, then tacked on with a quick grin, "You know, that I give you anxiety and make you spiral into a mental mess."
I chuckled. "Yes. That. Just that there's a lot of things I don't understand right now. Things I don't have the answer to, like Jess. But one thing that Idoknow is that I want to have a chance to get to know you better."
The words made me cringe.Get to know you bettersounded so formal, like a stiff, awkward first date. Plus, they weren't right. They didn't hold the same amount of power as what I felt all the way in my bones.
The pressure of all the romance books that I'd written weighed on my shoulders. What would Adrick say? Derrick? Rodrigo? I shoved them all aside. They didn't matter right now.
Those words weren't enough.
