Page 131 of Smoke and Fire
Sometime in between me running away from Bastian and ten minutes later, he’d quietly departed.
My retreat to the bathroom to slap cold water on my face and pretend our exchange hadn’t happened didn’t restore any courage.
My thoughts grew at an alarming rate, nearly tripping over each other as I returned behind the counter. Central to the theme was one main point: Bastian had to be insane. At least partially.
Why were all the cute ones unbalanced?
I shook my head to clear my thoughts, but they held on with tenacious regard. No matter what part of the shop I cleaned or paced or reorganized, the only thing that filled my head was the panic in Bastian’s gaze.
I need this to work.
He’d avoided saying whysuch a need was so important to him. Obviously, it had roots in money. He’d mentioned as much, anyway, but not what he’d spend it on. He didn’t strike me as the buried-in-debt kind of guy, nor a big spender. No ring on his finger, so it wasn’t a wife and kids, I’d wager. He might be dating someone. He could be gay.
A thousand scenarios streamed through my mind. I pushed a pot of coffee onto the warmer and prayed for someone to order something and save me from myself.
Besides, who made a request likecan you pretend to be my pen nameanyway?
I leaned back against the counter, tilted my head back, and closed my eyes. Deep in my gut, I could already feel it. The regret. The curiosity. Beneath the roiling emotions, my inner voice quietly said,you’ve felt that way before too.
The constricting panic born of having nowhere to go. Hemmed in by decisions that went awry, even when they weren’t supposed to. I’d responded to his sincere plea for help out of fear.
Fear ofhim, for heaven’s sake.
What are you afraid of?Inner Me asked.
“You know what,” I growled.
You’re afraid that you’ll fall for him. Hard. Because you already are crushing on him and you think that relationships can’t be trusted. You think you’re not ready.
“I know it, don’t I?” I muttered. “I totally botched my own life with Jakob. I invested too much in another person because it felt so good at the beginning. Then I fought to get that back for too long.”
No. That’s not what you were supposed to learn from Jakob. That’s not what’sreal. It’s what you’re telling yourself. There were other problems with Jakob. A total lack of connecting ground, for one. The only thing you had in common was a shared love for raisin cookies.
My inner dialogue only made my quagmire worse, so I shut it off. Regret for turning Bastian away swooped in on swift wings. Why should I regret saying a very normalno, thanksto such a crazy offer?
Because . . . because.
My life and circumstances had been crazy once too, and others had stepped in when I needed them. Maybe I hadn’t asked them to pretend to be a romance author . . . but even that didn’t seem so bad now that his blue eyes weren’t staring at me.
“Dagnabbit,” I muttered.
Customers had mentioned Bastian’s name before. Hernandez, I thought, mentioned his best friend, the hotshot. Something vague about a father and sister lingered in the background of my thoughts, but disappeared before I could recall anything solid. My next thought came with unfortunate clarity.
How do I find him?
That moment, I knew I wanted to say yes. The ridiculous hourly payment would be nice, not to mention seeing moreof Bastian. It would provide an alternate career route I’d never thought of before, and help me not feel a sense of wallowing in my current position. Inevitably, we’d have to speak again and I liked that thought.
Too much.
So much that I couldn’t turn away an opportunity to help him, even if relationships were scary. Nothinghadto happen between us, and likely nothing would. Not with the way Jakob still thrived in my head. This would be a baby step in the right direction. The direction away from Jakob and into my new, uncertain future.
If Bastian strolled through that door right now, I’d take the job and slice the panic right out of his life. My gaze zoomed outside where the mountains cut a sharp slope up. The smoke pillar had thickened today, but not drastically. It only made me think of him more. I chewed on my bottom lip, lost in thought. No, I wouldn’t wait.
I had to go after him.
He couldn’t be that far away. The man apparently walked everywhere because I had yet to see a vehicle. With a growl, I flipped the closed sign on the shop, turned the lock, and rushed outside.
Time to say goodbye to Jakob’s lingering influence.
