Page 88 of Smoke and Fire
I had to banish those questions to visit Dad again, which only set me on edge further.
This time, he wandered the halls with a walker. His head bounced a little as he walked, gazing around. I stood outside the doors, hands in my pockets. His doctor came by, shook my hand, and proceeded with an equally morose update.
“His body remains mostly healthy, but his mind continues to deteriorate. His weight loss hasn’t slowed much from the shakes we’ve been giving him. He also hasn’t been all that interested in food, but we’ll keep trying. We’ll see more and more of this as the disease progresses. His body has started to follow his mind, which is normal.”
Dr. Ferdinand watched him through the doors with me, her gray hair pulled away from her face with a clip.
“How long could this be?”
“It’s hard to say,” she murmured. “Months. A year?” She reached out, a hand on my arm. “I’m sorry, Bastian. I don’t have any certainty to offer you, especially at a time when you’re also dealing with your sister’s medical problems. You stand to lose a great deal in the next span of time, and you carry a lot on your shoulders. Is there anyone that can support you?”
“Yes, I have help.”
She studied me, then seemed to accept my bland response, despite all evidence to the contrary.
“We’ll continue to do our best to take care of your father, and if there’s anything else I can do, please let me know.”
I nodded.
“Thanks.”
A quick stop at Vikram’s ended in failure. He didn’t answer the door. I had to suppress the urge to pick his lock and break inside to shake some sense into him, which we’d done before.
The thought of getting back to Dahlia propelled me away from his place with a few threats to return as soon as I could.
Before leaving Jackson City, I texted Dahlia.
Bastian:Can I stop by and see you?
Dahlia:Of course! I just got off work and am watching online videos about replacing my stabilizer jack. Dagny’s guy should have parts a week earlier than the other place. You know, the usual.
Bastian:Leaving Jackson City now.
The clock crept past three by the time I made it halfway through the canyon. There was still laundry to fold and a list of things to buy. We’d abandoned my to-do list yesterday after the Armenian restaurant. Now, after laying everything out to Dagny, my mind churned around with new mental space to think.
I didn’t know where things lay between me and Dahlia after the intensity of yesterday. It wouldn't be a stretch to call usfriends, yet I’d plunged her face first into the drama of my life. She took care of my cat and my company. Those pushed us a step beyond friends.
Was I desperate?
Was this fair to her?
I wasn’t an idiot, even if women and relationships and pressure gave me anxiety. Dahlia had some interest in me or else she wouldn’t have been so kind yesterday. Or maybe she would have. Some people felt obligatory kindness.
Maybe she’d turn me away today. Tell mesorry, I’m not interested in this because I want Jakob backor far more likely,sorry, I'm not interested in the details of your life.
Hadn’t that been happening forever? Women weren't interested in what I had to offer. They wouldn't be interested in Jess's books if they knew a male wildland firefighter wrote them. Dad had plenty of women he’d tried to date over the years that had eventually left, unwilling to invest in children with special needs. My birth parents hadn't been interested in me either.
At least, not at the time.
Which is exactly the moment I chickened out.
Despite my discussion with Dagny last night, I knew then that I couldn’t invest more time in Dahlia. Yes, I wanted more help in my world. No, I didn’t trust more help. Because people left.
I didn’t want to endure Dahlia leaving, not when Inessa and Dad had so little life left.
What would happen to me when Dahlia left too?
Disaster.
