Page 100 of Penance
He shakes his head, tears streaming down his cheeks. “But I want to understand you too, Dad. Will you tell me your story?”
I freeze. I’ve never told him my story because I never wanted him to hate Josephine like I did. She’s his mom, but Lily’s words have stuck with me.
“My mom—isn’t like you. She never wanted to get better, but growing up, I would have done anything to understand her. I guess all I’m trying to say is that maybe your kid wants you to let him in.”
It’s time I let him in. “Yeah, kid. I will. Come on, let’s sit.”
I guide him to the steps and try to figure out where to start.
Swallowing, I start from the beginning. “My dad was an alcoholic, and I grew up never wanting to be like him. He was mean and abusive, and I promised myself that if I ever had a kid, I’d be the exact opposite of him. So when I found out your mom was pregnant, I did everything I could to be a good dad, including marrying your mom.”
Tanner’s brows furrow. “Did you not love her?”
“That’s hard to answer,” I say, scratching my jaw. “We were young, and neither realized that loving someone isn’t just a feeling. It’s showing up for someone even when it’s hard, and as teenage parents with no money, a lot of things were hard.”
“But I thought Mom had money? Grandpa and Grandma do.”
I knew this part would be hard because it doesn’t just make his mom look bad. It will shatter his view of several people he cares about, but I’ve come to realize that their guilt is not mine to hold.
“As long as your mom was married to me, they would not speak to her anymore. They cut her off, and your mom—she was used toliving in luxury. It was a hard adjustment for her, and I understood. Her whole world changed, but I tried to take care of her the best I could. We started fighting, though, even before you were born, and that teenage love was no longer enough. I no longer loved her for her—I loved her because of you—and I think she knew that, too.”
Tanner’s voice is quiet when he asks, “Do you think she loved you?”
I shake my head. “No, kid. I don’t. After you were born, our financial situation became even tighter than it was before. I didn’t mind. I’d survived on less, and you were being taken care of. That was all that mattered to me, but your mom—she was tired of living that way. She went back to your grandparents, but the only way they would let her back into their lives was if she divorced me.”
“I begged her not to go because I didn’t want to spend a day away from you, but she filed for divorce anyway. I thought we would split custody, but I was wrong. So very wrong.” A band wraps around my chest, and I stare at my hands. “I don’t know if it was your mom’s idea or another thing your grandparents demanded, but she asked for full custody—and she won because of money.” A harsh snort leaves my throat. “I never cared that I didn’t have money—but I did that day. I couldn’t even afford a lawyer. I defended myself, and I lost. I lost you.”
I finally work up the nerve to look at Tanner. Silent tears stream down his face, and I reach up to wipe them away. “I started drinking that day because I couldn’t take the pain of losing you, and once I realized the alcohol numbed it, I kept drinking.”
“Why?” Tanner asks, his voice breaking. “Why would she do that? Why doesn’t she just want me to be happy?”
“I think in her own way, she wants you to be happy,” I say, defending her. “But I don’t thinksheknows how to be happy.”
Tanner doesn’t say anything for several moments. I can see the wheels turning behind his eyes, and then he says, “Thank you, Dad.”
I lift my brows. “For what?”
“For telling me your story.”
Tears clog my throat, making it hard to speak, so I just nod instead, looking away so I don’t completely fall apart.
“Dad?” Tanner says, and I turn my head to look back at him.
“I’m sorry I let my jealousy cloud what you were doing for Morgan.”
“Kid—” I start, but he shakes his head.
“No, Dad. I understand now. And I—I’m proud of you.”
Four words. That’s all it takes for the last parts of me to heal.
______________________
On the day of the custody hearing, I’m a ball of nerves. Not only will this seal my son’s fate, but I’ll also have to face Lily for the first time since confessing that I love her—if she still shows up.
I meet Tanner in the parking lot, and we walk in together. He talks about his day while we walk, and I listen. We’ve spent the last couple of days getting to know each other, and it’s been more than I could ever dream of.
My lawyer, Josephine, and Eric are already waiting when we enter the courtroom. My ex-wife and her husband sit on their side with smug grins as I walk in. They think they have won. I head toward Mr. Abbott, expecting Tanner to go over to his mom’s side, but to my surprise, he follows me.
