Page 89 of Penance
“Baby, are you there?” Her voice cuts like a thousand lashes against my skin, and I flinch with each one.
I can’t do this. Not today. Not with her.
“Lily, I need to talk to you—”
Lash. Lash. Lash.
It burns. Stings more than any actual wound ever could, and yet I can’t move. Can’t bring myself to hang up the phone.
“Lily—”
A sharp rap comes from my front door. Theo calls my name at the same time as my mother, but it’s his voice I focus on. Deep and warm.It’s a stronghold in the storm, and I grab onto it with both hands.
When I hang up the phone, my mom is still calling my name. With shaking hands, I block her number, cutting the last tie.
Theo calls my name again, and I take a slow, meticulous breath before walking to the door.
To a future shaped by no one but me.
______________________
I’m standing in a crowd, and I’ve never felt more alone. People are laughing and talking, genuinely enjoying each other’s company, and I’m standing on a wall, watching everyone else. Theo disappeared not too long ago to grab us drinks; without him, I’ve melted into the shadows.
I should be networking and putting myself out there, but I can’t get my mother’s voice out of my head.
I’m staring at the crowd, seeing but not really taking them in, when a hand falls against my shoulder. Startled, I turn to face the person, only to find Theo staring down at me with his brows pressed together.
“Hey, easy, hopeless,” Theo says in the way he does that makes me feel like my skin is on fire. “Are you okay? You looked a little spaced out there. If you aren’t feeling well, I can take you home.”
The worry in his voice cuts through my weird mood, and I smile up at him. “No. I’m okay. Why don’t we find a seat? I think they’re going to start soon.”
Theo’s eyes track mine, the crease between his brows deepening. I’m terrified he’ll push the issue, make me talk about it, and I will—if he pushes because something about Theo makes him easy to talk to. He makes me want to lower my walls and let him in.
And I’ve never felt that way about anyone. He makes me feel braver.
His assessing continues, but he must see something that lessens his worry. His brows smooth out, and he takes my hand. “We’re in this together, hopeless.”
He doesn’t give me a chance to respond, tugging me over to an empty table and pulling out my chair, but I’m not mad he didn’t give me a chance to talk. I don’t know what I would have said anyway. This feeling inside my chest has been building for a while. Something I can’t identify. It’s uncomfortable, not in a bad way, but in the butterflies in my stomach, nervous kind of way.
Once we are seated, a couple of the kids who are serving come over to our table to take our order. There are only two meal options, so we quickly give them our orders, and they disappear to put them in.
I let my eyes roam the room again, taking it all in, until I see Tanner on the other side of the gym with Bella.
“Have you talked to Tanner today?” I ask, looking back at Theo.
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m starting to wonder if this is what’s best for him.” He stops, looking over to where Tanner stands, a storm brewing on his face. “If I’m what’s best for him.”
“What?” I cry. “Theo, of course you are. You’re his dad.”
“Yeah?” he asks. “How’s your mom doing?”
The question is like a physical blow, and I gasp, flinching away from him. “That’s not fair. The situations aren’t the same.”
Theo shrugs. “Maybe. Or maybe they are exactly the same. Maybe Tanner has every right to hate me as much as you do your mom.”
