Page 41 of Penance
For the first time, I’m seeing my house through someone else’s eyes, and I can’t help noticing the hundred things that need to be updated. The things in the house that felt chic before suddenly feel outdatedinstead.
“Sorry about the mess,” I say, throwing my keys on the entryway table and doing everything I can to avoid Theo’s gaze, but when he doesn’t answer, I can’t stop myself any longer. I lift my head and look at him to see what he’s thinking.
His brows are pulled together, and he’s staring at me like he can’t figure me out. But he should join the club because I can’t figure me out either—especially when it comes to him. Since the day I met him, my head has told me to run, but my heart—that traitorous organ wants to trust him, even after finding out about his addiction.
“Your house is nice, Lily.” The intensity of his stare sends a flush over my skin, and his eyes track it before returning to mine.
“Thanks,” I grumble, not used to compliments. “Would you like a glass of sweet tea?”
I don’t wait for his answer, heading to the kitchen so I have something to do because if I just stand here, with Theo’s presence sucking all the air from the room, I might explode.
“Sure,” he says, his heavy footsteps following me down the hall into the kitchen.
I busy myself, grabbing two glasses from the cabinet and pouring us each some tea. When I’ve avoided him as long as I can, I turn to find him sitting at the bar top, looking around with a curious gaze. I set his glass between us and clear my throat. His eyes snap to me, and I wish they hadn’t because those dark eyes are consuming.
My hand finds my necklace, a reminder of what it means to be consumed, and I take a deep breath.
“So, you wanted to explain—” I say.
Theo wraps his hand around the glass, but he doesn’t pick it up. His eyes take on a faraway look, and a flush creeps up the back of his neck.
“Lily, there are a few things you need to know, but first, I need you to know I want to keep my kid safe. He’s the only thing that mattersto me.” He pauses, and his eyes roam over me. Something in his expression makes me think he’s holding back. Without letting the secret out, Theo clears his throat and moves on. “I haven’t had a drink in two years.”
My fingers find the rim of my glass, and I watch my them circle around and around.
“Two years?” I ask, skeptically. Parts of me want to believe him, but believing him requires faith and trust. Both things I’m a little low on.
Theo’s hand finds mine, holding it in place. His tanned skin contrasts sharply with mine, another way we are different. His grip tightens, and I look up to find his eyes brimming with tears.
“Two years, Lily. I promise.” The sincerity in his voice is so real that I’d be an idiot to ignore it. He’s telling the truth, and I hate how a knot unravels in my chest when I realize that.
“Fine,” I say, pulling my hand from beneath his. “I believe you, but what about the years before? Why wasn’t Tanner enough all the years before?”
My voice breaks on the last word, revealing a lifetime of vulnerabilities.
Theo clenches his teeth, the muscle jumping in his jaw, and he moves his fingers in and out of fists.
“When Tanner was born, I was eighteen years old—”
“I didn’t ask—” I interrupt, but Theo shuts me down with a look.
“It matters. I promise,” he says, begging me to understand, so I clamp my mouth shut and motion for him to continue. He blows out a breath, running his fingers through his hair.
“I was eighteen years old when Tanner was born. Josephine and I—we started dating when we were sixteen. I thought I loved her. I thought she loved me—” He laughs, and I can hear the bitterness. “I didn’t see it then, but Josephine doesn’t love anyone but herself. And money. She really loves money.”
“Yeah,” I say, reflecting on everything I know about Josephine. “I can see that.”
Theo’s lips tilt up into a half smile before he continues. “I didn’t come from money—far from it—but Josephine did. I think, at first, I was a way for her to rebel, but when she got pregnant, the consequences of that rebellion became real. I married her because I thought I was supposed to. And her family —they wanted nothing to do with her while she was married to me. They saw it as a disgrace upon their name. Josephine was eighteen, scared, and pregnant, but I promised to take care of her and the baby. It was enough for her—at least for a little while. By the time Tanner was one things had changed. Josephine wasn’t happy. She didn’t like that I couldn’t provide her with the life she was used to. So, she left—went back to her family—and they took her in—with a stipulation.” Theo stops, swallowing past a lump in his throat.
“What was the stipulation?” I ask. My voice is scratchy, and remorse shines in Theo’s eyes. He’s a man who holds a lot of regret on his shoulders, and it makes my chest ache for him.
“The only way they would let her back in was if she divorced me—and tried for full custody for Tanner. I did everything I could—fought with everything I had. I wanted to be a father to my son. I—I wanted him.” The tear on his eyelashes falls to his cheek, and my fingers ache to wipe it away. But I hold back, waiting for him to finish his story.
Theo doesn’t wipe the tear away either. He lets it slide down his neck, soaking into his t-shirt. He isn’t ashamed of his emotions like a lot of men would be, and that says more about him than anything else could have.
“Anyway,” he says, clearing his throat, “in the end, everything I had wasn’t enough. They had the money and the influence to win. I—uh—I slipped into a really dark place. I couldn’t handle a life without my son, so I started drinking. And I didn’t stop—not untiltwo years ago.”
“What made you stop?” My throat aches with emotion.
