Page 45 of Penance
I’m not mad at her. Tanner either. I’m just trying to protect them. All the ways I can stop this run through my mind until what she said finally hits me.
“What?” I’m having trouble wrapping my head around what she said because that would mean I messed up with Tanner—again.
“I said we are going to church, sir. We just stopped by here so Tanner could grab the Bible I bought him, and I needed to change out my monitor,” she says, pointing to the diabetes monitor on the side of her upper arm. “Tanner knows how much I hate doing it myself, so he said he would do it if I came in.”
“I—” I stop, shaking my head. “I’m sorry, Bella. I assumed the worst.”
Bella is wise beyond her years because when I look at her, she’s not looking at me with anger. There’s understanding in her gaze, and that makes me feel about two feet tall.
“It’s not me you need to apologize to, sir.”
My eyes dart up the stairs to where Tanner disappeared moments before. She’s right. I owe him an apology, but how do you say I’m sorry when those words don’t cover nearly enough? There are a lot of things I’m sorry for, and this apology is just a drop in the bucket ofwhat he’s owed.
“Look,” Bella says, placing her hands on her hips and pulling my attention back to her. With her glasses on and backpack on her shoulder, she looks like a miniature principal, waiting to hand me a lecture. “I know it’s not any of my business, but cut yourself some slack, Mr. S. You’re doing the best you can. Tanner might not say it, but he needs you.”
A lump the size of Texas forms in my throat.
“You think so?” I ask around it.
Because I’m starting to wonder if that’s true.
I don’t voice that thought aloud, but it’s always in the back of my mind. Does he really need me? He’ll be eighteen in a year, and then my role as a parent will be obsolete. There will be nothing there to force him to come around. It will be completely up to him.
Bella smiles softly and walks toward me, taking my hand in hers. “I know so, Mr. S. Tanner loves you. He just doesn’t know how to show it.” Letting go of my hand, she snaps her fingers and points at me. “You know what?” she asks, changing the topic so fast my head spins a little.
“What?” I ask hesitantly. The girl is like a whirlwind inside of a tornado.
“I think you could use a little Jesus in your life. You should come to church with us some time, Mr. S.”
“Uh—I’ll think about it,” I say, plastering something that resembles a smile on my face.
She’s right. I probably could, but not like this. Not yet.
My answer must be good enough for her because she pats my arm and rushes up the stairs to Tanner, leaving me to stew in my mistakes.
______________________
“CHIEF.” My name is called at an abnormally loud volume, meaning it can only be one person.
The door to my office bursts open, and I press my thumb and forefinger into my eyes, hoping he won’t be there when I open them.
“Chief. Hey, chief. Chief.” His voice is pitched in an off-key sing-song on that last one, making him impossible to ignore.
Dropping my hand, I sigh and open my eyes.
Zane stands in the doorway, a full grin stretched over his mouth.
“What can I help you with, Zane?” I ask with more patience than I feel.
Since leaving my house earlier, I’ve been on edge. I apologized to Tanner before leaving, but the damage was done. His only answer was a grunt before slamming the door shut in my face. I left shortly after he did, and I’ve been in my office since then. I’m in a poor mood because of my actions, and it’s not fair for me to take that out on anyone else.
“I’m hungry.”
My right eye twitches.
“So go eat. There’s plenty of food in the kitchen.”
Zane shrugs, oblivious to how close I am to losing my temper. “I don’t like any of that food, and no one will come to the store with me. What about you, Chief, want to come?”
