Page 64 of Penance
I was selfish, and I’m not sure what that says about me.
The phone stops ringing, picking up again with only a single text notification. I know better than to look at it. I really do, yet I find myself pulling my phone out of my back pocket anyway. My heart thunders in my ears as I move on auto-pilot, unlocking my screen and clicking on my text messages.
My breathing is harsh in my ears as I try to prepare myself, but nothing ever prepares me for my mother.
Mom: I need you, baby. Please don’t ignore me.
The whole world goes black with my mother’s request.
She NEEDS me.
SHE needs me.
She needs ME.
How many times did I need her, and she never showed up? More times than I can count.
Someone clears their throat. I think it’s Hayes, but I can’t be sure. I’m too busy trying to breathe. Theo tenses beneath me before taking over the conversation.
“So,” he says to Hayes, his deep voice rumbling into my back, “how’s the wedding planning going?”
At the mention of the wedding, Hayes turns his head to MJ, adoration sparking in the color of his eyes, and I think I might hyperventilate. With one word about the woman in his arms, Hayes turns into mush. He is still looking at MJ when he answers Theo. “I’vebeen waiting my whole life to marry her.”
I think I snort, but I can’t be sure. The lack of oxygen is messing with my brain because MJ smiles back at him, but it’s not her I see. It’s another woman who loved a man more than herself. More than me.
Pain grips my chest.
One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three…
I drag air into my lungs and grab my necklace, but it does nothing to loosen the fist gripping my chest.
Without warning, I stand, forcing myself to keep the mask on for a little longer. We’re outside, but it feels like I’m suffocating. I need air—the kind that isn’t tainted by love.
Hayes and MJ turn to me, looks of concern on their faces.
“If you’ll excuse me,” I say, barely able to keep my voice from shaking. “I need to use the restroom.”
I take off toward Hayes’s house and don’t stop—not even when Theo calls my name.
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I don’t know where I’m going. I’m just blindly running through people to get to a place where I can think. Maybe even breathe. Although, that’s looking highly unlikely at the moment.
I burst into Hayes’s house, intent on finding a bathroom so I can lock myself in it until the rest of eternity, when a hand catches my arm. I don’t have to turn around to know who it is. The heat that rushes across my skin is indication enough.
“Hopeless, talk to me,” Theo pleads, but I can’t talk. I can’t do anything but think—and I don’t want to think.
So I do the one thing that will turn it off. Theo still holds onto my arm when I spin around, my hands coming up and bracing myself against his chest.
Worry shines back at me in his eyes—and I can see he’s about to ask questions—but I don’t let him. Right there in Hayes’s kitchen, I liftonto my toes and press my lips to Theo’s.
It’s reckless. Stupid. Very, very stupid. And yet the moment my lips meet his, everything else dims.
He doesn’t kiss me back at first, and I start to count.
One Mississippi. Two—
I don’t make it to three before he’s deepening the kiss, dropping my arm and pulling me closer to him. The whole world could burn around us, and I wouldn’t know because I am already burning up in Theo’s arms.
