Page 42 of The Worst Kind of Promise
Players.
That word lights a fuse in me, an orange burst of fire that ignites in my gut, a point of genesis that scatters static throughout my veins. I’ve never had such a visceral reaction to anything before in my life. But hearing the way Hayes’ voice curls with disdain truly breaks me a little.
And that break…it starts with tiny pieces. But with time, they become big enough where cracks are easily visible, where the adhesive isn’t strong enough to withstand the emotional turmoil.
“They didn’t really care for her. They were only focused on themselves, on what they could get out of the relationship. Not that you do relationships. You’re all about one-night stands.”
I’m not…like Faye’s terrible exes, am I? I’m not that bad, right? The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt Faye.
Fuck. Am I hurting her? Leading her on to imagine this life that I couldn’t possibly ever give her? A life of safety, security, certainty. Hayes has reminded me of something that I’ve seemed to forget—that I’m not that kind of person. I’m not built for long-term relationships or marriage or kids. I jump from person to person after sucking out all the affection they give me. It’s a horrible thing to admit.
Thank you, Mom and Dad, for not getting a divorce soon enough when you clearly should have.
If I continue down this path with Faye—if we get closer than we already are—I’m not sure I have it in me to reel it back. And then, when I’m up to my knees in regret, pulling the plug will hurt her so much more. I have to remember that we’re not living in some fairy tale, some impenetrable bubble that doesn’t also affect Hayes. I have just as much as power as Faye right now, and the responsible thing to do would be to…to end things.
I can’t even imagine my life without her in it. Fuck. I slept with my friend’s little sister. That’s something I have to live with now, a secret that I’ll have to take to my grave. It’s a betrayal of everything our brotherhood is built on. This wasn’t a byproduct of too much alcohol. It was something we both agreed on with clear heads, knowing people would get hurt in the process but not caring enough to resist the chemistry between us. I, once again, chose to be a selfish bastard, not thinking about the consequences for Faye or Hayes.
I can’t make that mistake again. I can’t.
But was it really a…mistake? Is that how I truly feel? Faye looks at me like I’ve hung the moon for her, aligned the stars in just the right formation to spell her name, used her favorite colors to paint the night sky, to make it known to the galaxy that she’s mine and I’m hers.
I wish that could be me, but it’s not.
“She deserves better,” I say, my teeth an inch from grating together, a smokiness to my voice that’s never been there before.
Hayes polishes his first drink off, crushing the aluminum in his hands. “She does. Hopefully this summer will be a fresh start for her.”
I don’t reply. I don’t even really look him in the eyes, mainly because I’m so disgusted with myself. I need to end things. I don’t know what I’m going to say, but it has to be believable. It has to be enough for her to hate me, to never want to be near me. I’d suffer a lifetime of hatred if it meant that Faye got the happily-ever-after she deserves.
Hayes picks up the now-opened pack, gripping a jagged hole in the cardboard. “Anyways, I’ll see ya around. Have fun. Don’t have sex in the pool,” he half-jokes, clapping me on the back with a powerful hand.
My parked feet lurch forward a bit, and I stabilize myself on the see-through partition. I have to find Faye.
This will be the last time I hear her laugh, right? The last time I’ll feel her arms wrap around me in a hug. The last time we’ll ever be on good terms. I’m about to throw everything away to protect Faye. To protect her fromme. And as I go in search for her bobbing head of brown hair, I feel my heart shatter into millions of pieces.
* * *
PRESENT
Do you know what it feels like to lose a piece of yourself? To lose someone you can never get back because they only came out in the presence of another person? That’s what I’m grieving right now—the realization that I’ll never have the connection I had with Faye with anybody else on this planet. It’s hard, knowing who your person is and not being able to have them. It’s one of the hardest things humans have to endure.
I broke Faye’s heart. I broke it, and I can’t confide in any of my teammates. This is something I have to carry on my own. Fuck, I don’t even deserve sympathy from anyone. I’m a piece of shit. I cultivated a safe space for her, allowed her to open up and trust me with her deepest secret, and then left her all alone, just as she was when I saw her sitting on that curb.
I’m fully prepared for whatever beating Hayes is going to dole out to me if he ever finds out. I deserve it.
I need to distract myself. The memory of her is tangled in my mind, this huge mess of loose threads that each hold the sound of her laugh, the color of her eyes, the smell of her hair, the softness of her skin, the taste of her lips. If I allow myself to think about her, I’m going to go crazy. Crazy with rage, grief, insanity.
My first instinct was to lock myself away in my room, but then I remembered that Faye’s splayed out all her things like a confetti cannon went off in there, so that would be trapping myself in my own personal hell. If I can’t run from my mistakes, then I’ll just have to numb the pain. Which is exactly what I’m going to do.
The moment I spot Gage and Fulton conversing animatedly by the pool, I jockey through the congested mass of people, grabbing Gage’s drink out of his hand mid-sip. I chug it. All of it. I’m well aware that both of their eyes are on me. My throat burns and my gut curdles from the influx of alcohol, but I finish that fucker with a crush of the can between my fingers.
Gage narrows his eyes. “Dude, now I have to go and get another one.”
“What’s up with you?” Fulton asks, a concerned cleft in the center of his brows.
“Nothing,” I bark, accumulating some alarmed looks from nearby strangers. I wipe away the sticky residue of beer on my mouth.
Gage is in the middle of getting up when he sees the red-eyed Terminator expression on my face, then wisely sits back down. “O-kay. You seem…”
